“So you want everybody to go to the mall…today?”

At a mall entrance, steeling myself to run fashion- and beauty-related errands: “Alright. Let’s get this bullshit over with.”

#BestGirlEver

#LetsGoToTheMall

Pretty(running)pants!

My August issue of Women’s Running came today! Gorgeous! 

 

Re-blog: Olay Getting Women To Drop Guard With Few Nonjudgmental Ads Before Nailing Them With Body Shame

Via The Onion, Olay Getting Women To Drop Guard With Few Nonjudgmental Ads Before Nailing Them With Body Shame:

Sex on my face

I got an email from Ulta, and one of the featured products is called “Better than Sex” mascara.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some terrible sex, and I’ve had some great mascara. But the sex has always been at least marginally superior, even if only because someone bought me food first. 

I considered that mascara has helped me GET sex by making me prettier, but I don’t think that’s true. Lipstick, maybe, but I’m fairly certain no man has ever looked at any woman’s eyelashes and decided not to fuck her. (“Dude, she’s SO hot. Those hips, that hair, that rack… But nah, I’m not going to go talk to her. Did you see her eyelashes?! Bitch, please.”) But hey, maybe I’m underestimating y’all as a gender. Maybe a plump set of…lashes really does it for you. 

However, I’m nothing if not thorough, so just as Nars Orgasm blush changed my life, I’ll clearly have to try this mascara. For, um, research. FOR SCIENCE.

How ’bout NO-tox?

Email to friends: 

“So I’m having the kind of self-image day that has me Googling Botox alternatives, but I’m not SO far gone that I didn’t read this and think, ‘Are you fucking kidding me?'” 

 

Last re-blog today: Plus-Size Model Creates #EffYourBeautyStandards Movement

Get it, girl.

Via Buzzfeed: The Biggest Plus-Size Model To Get A Major Contract Created The #EffYourBeautyStandards MovementI’m gonna need that haircut, STAT, and all the makeup she has on, and also an eyebrow transplant. (Because, obviously, “You have really good eyebrows.”)

Ahem. This is what’s known as missing the point of a movement encouraging you to disregard standards of beauty.

Whatever, I left off the part where I also want a nosejob now. Oh, wait…

Re-blog: Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup

Via The Onion:
Maybelline Introduces New Ideal-Woman Rubber Mask To Use In Place Of Makeup

Re-blogging The Onion

Via The Onion: Increasing Number Of Men Pressured To Accept Realistic Standards Of Female Beauty.