I’m bad in bed. Staying IN bed will help, no?

Lying in bed this morning, my brain wandered to that handjob song I posted yesterday, and then to my own sexual abilities, and now it doesn’t want to get out of bed in part because it’s telling me I’m terrible at sex and now I’m sad.

Um, brain? You do know we’re not a prostitute, right? Even if we ARE bad in bed, that’s not really gonna come (heh) into play during our workday. We probably will not be evaluated on sexual prowess today. And staying IN bed alone really isn’t going to help us improve. 

Please get up. We can lament being crap at sex once we’ve had coffee.

(What? This doesn’t happen to everyone?)

In which PMS makes me a more efficient employee.

Email to friends:

“I have PMS, so I’m exhausted, and miserable, and I just want to be in bed, and the quantity of food I ate for ‘dinner’ last night actually verged on obscene.

“But I’m also short-tempered, and far less concerned about being nice. I’m being polite, but blunt, so — politely — fuck you right in the eye, Coworker, for replying to my request for shit I should already HAVE with what amounts to ‘go fetch!’ and a smiley. I don’t have the patience to sugar-coat shit today. Give it.

“I should always have this. I am drunk with power. And irritability. (And possibly some sort of angry dairy-based residue from eating all the cheese on earth yesterday.)”

Burning sage. Only mentally, because I can’t be trusted with fire. 

I’ve stopped calling it decluttering at this point. I’m a writer, goddammit — these are “life revisions.” I’m deleting the parts of my story that don’t work, expanding and carefully editing the parts that do.

Remember when I was Slut Singleton? My email and cell phone no longer do. (OK, yeah, my brain totally still does, but I’m working on it.)

Sad Singleton apartment? I won’t let the door hit me.

Couch of Horrible Life Choices (AKA the whorecouch)? Out by the dumpster.

Lingerie I wore when making said bad life choices? Let’s call it what it was: Trash. Not the good lingerie, don’t be silly. Bad decisions got made in $12 Target shit…and also a $6 super-clearance dress from JCPenney. (Don’t judge.) I threw that out, too.

I’d throw out the mattress, but I think that was just ONE bad decision, and I can’t afford to buy a couch AND a mattress. I’m clearing my brain, not my bank account. Though I did order new sheets and a new mattress pad. That should cover the bad bed juju.

Oh…and I guess I should replace that bathmat. (Ahem… Shut up.)
P.S. I just have one more post about clutter/moving after this, and then I’m done, I promise.