Pole-itical pandering.

WOW. Can you just…stop saying things?

Sometimes I shut my goddamn mouth specifically to avoid saying something stupid. You know, like THAT.

Via Huffington Post: John Kasich Is Seemingly Baffled By Young Women Who Get Politics.  

Like… HOW? HOW? HOW are you at a mic in front of a crowd, thinking, “Oh. OH! This’ll be great, I’ll say THIS!” And then he trots offstage all, “You guys! Did you see? NAILED IT!”
They DO let women vote now, Governor. I know, right? I was shocked, too! But I watched “Suffragette” the other day and apparently it’s a thing! Obviously I’m not 100% sure because there’s so little room in my brain for facts next to Taylor Swift and rainbows, but..Votes from the Vaginal WOULD add to your bottom line, no? (And I do mean “bottom,” because you’re totally fucked here.)

Any politician worth electing would at LEAST give us pretty little ladies the ILLUSION that he gave a shit. Bernie Sanders has effectively assembled a goddamn army of ride-or-dies, with a shit-ton of Millennials ready to do his bidding, at least until their Adderall wears off. And Donald Drumpf has found his niche of angry middle-class (read: po’) white folk ready to make America great again. Whatever disagreements I have with them, those guys know how to work that pole.

Jesus Christ, Kasich — who the fuck taught you how to pander?

If I were a single-issue voter, that issue might be dildos.

A friend sent this to me: “Cruz wanted Texas sex to mimic assembling Ikea furniture: a dutiful, results-oriented process enacted without the assistance of substantial tools.”

Via Slate.com: Ted Cruz Once Argued That Selling Dildos Should Be Illegal  

Which is super weird, because he looks so enthusiastic in that photo, like he’s all, “Yaaay, dildos!”

(Again, this is not about politics, so don’t argue with me — this is about dildos. You find me an article about Sanders or Clinton trying to outlaw my vibrator, I’ll post that, too. Dildos transcend politics. Dildos reach across the aisle. Dildos are something we can all come together on. [I’m done now. I think… Wait, one more time — dildo. OK, now I’m done.])