I take the pill in a way that allows me to skip my period. But every so often my body just decides to spot until I let it happen, so I am, and now I’m about to cry at 10 a.m., and OH RIGHT, this is why I don’t DO THIS SHIT.
Today I learned that there’s something particularly gratifying about taking my birth control pill while babysitting.
Like, “Not today, Satan!” *glug*
They told me to take my birth control in a way that stops my period, which is great, until I get irrationally angry at stupid people commenting on online weather forecasts and am forced to remember I apparently CAN still have PMS.
But seriously. Goddamn, people are so fucking stupid.
Eeewwww… Look, I can either focus on dinner OR vaguely threatening hairless douche-bros, but not both.
Feed me OR fuck me. My ADD can’t handle the multitask.
P.S. Fuck me first, so I don’t have to worry about birth control for food babies in addition to regular ones.
Text to friends, based entirely in fact and science:
“They put me on the pill and said I could start it whenever, so I did, but I think my body was already preparing its regular PMS festivities, and when I added bonus hormones I fucked up its groove, because now I hate goddamn everything except you guys and Egg McMuffins.”
So I ended up having an “endometrial biopsy” this morning. I’ll spare you the details, but my exact words during the procedure were, “Um, hey, so…this doesn’t HURT-hurt, but I would SUPER love it to be over soon.”
And then it HURT-hurt, just in a pressure-y, menstrual-cramp-y way, resulting in fun bonus bleeding, exhaustion, and quease.
Human bodies are so disgusting.
In happier news, I’ll get my period this weekend, but that’ll be the last one, because fuck you, Nature, I have a pill now. 🖕🏼
33 Hilarious Tweets That Perfectly Sum Up Being A Woman
When you force me to navigate a slideshow, I generally want terrible things to happen to you and never find the article worthy of all those clicks.
But then sometimes I almost choke to death on an animal cracker when I snort-laugh, and it makes it all worthwhile:
(Plus, excellent integration of Easy A.)
So today I did the annual gyno exam, which is generally annoying as fuck. I really don’t appreciate anyone touching my vagina if it doesn’t end in orgasm.
Got put on a birth control pill so I can be a fatter, moodier, assholier asshole. (“What’s the Lamictal for?” “It’s for Crazy, so make sure I get Pill Lite so we don’t make that worse.”)
Then went downstairs in the same building to an on-site lab — SUPER convenient, but the lab is more free about being part of a Jesus-y hospital system. So there are crosses on the walls, presumably so I can pray to Jesus to forgive me for fucking, and also pray while the lady jacks four vials of my blood to make sure my vagina doesn’t have any biblical plagues.
This better be the best goddamn sex I’ve ever had.
The bitch of it? He’s starting to annoy me so I don’t think that’s even going to happen. But these are all good things to have done in general.
Still, fuck everything. I am dizzy, and getting tacos on my way home. Hmph.
Smug Singleton 