Weight a minute…

I’ve talked about diet and exercise here 100 times before, so I’m sorry I’ve been Captain Do-Nothing. But I was chatting with my lady contingent, and we all seem to have had some form of weight-related trauma this week.

My clothes have gone from “saucily clingy” to “Oh, honey…,” I’m always tired, and even if I got off the couch to exercise, I’d probably collapse within 5 minutes. Plus I couldn’t donate blood today because my iron levels are too low, as if my steady diet of animal crackers and barbecue chips isn’t providing sufficient nutrients (pfft).

My friends have similar concerns. There’s a general consensus that although we are obviously sexy as fuck at any weight, exhaustion and ill-fitting clothing aren’t as much fun as you’d think.

So. To quote one friend: “We can do this. We are a formidable trio of badass bitches, and we can do anything we set our minds to.”

^ Now, I understand that statement is not WHOLLY true. I seem incapable of getting over relationships, sticking to a budget, or performing neurosurgery. But I can sure as fuck eat a carrot and take a walk now and then. (Well, as soon as Philly isn’t so humid that it feels like we’re being suffocated by ball sacks. But indoor workouts are a go.)

Family, Food, Facebook, Fat, Fuck.

I had written all this high and mighty shit about feeling bad for my mom, because she’s so worried about her weight that she deprives herself of delicious food. I prattled on about how I was glad I let myself enjoy food, because pfft, I’m clearly SO above those outdated ideas, and fuck it, we only get one trip through here, so we might as well have cake.

Aaand then my brother Facebook-tagged me in some party pics from the other night, and you know those weight-loss ads where the women are all, “I saw myself in a photo and realized I am a giant fuckoff hambeast?” Yeahhh… I’m gonna have to rebuild some of that body confidence I’d been having.

Cameras lie, though. They are tricksy and false. Basically wizards. Shifty wizards, in cahoots with angles and lighting. That’s right, I said it — cahoots.

Still, maybe some exercise is in order. We all know I’ll do whatever Shaun T tells me to.

No kale, though.

Fuck kale.

Looks and books

I just finished reading a book called Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls, and the author, Jes Baker, points out that you rarely see “larger” women paired with thinner men in advertising or pop culture. I hadn’t really noticed that before, but…yeah.

Generally, I’m not attracted to men who weigh less than I do. That may well be years of indoctrinated body anxiety, but I don’t want to look like I ATE my Person. Logically I know it’s not true, but I feel like I’d break a thinner man in half — I want a dude who looks like he can TAKE me, even if, again, I understand a thinner man could.

But this? Her? Jonas? HAWT. GET IT, GIRL.

 

#worship

(BTW, a friend recently told me she didn’t know I had Goodreads, so here’s the link if you feel the need to follow me on yet another thing.)

Watch Joe Jonas and Ashley Graham Make Out on the Set of His New Music Video
http://link.brightcove.com/services/player/bcpid1250536613001/?bctid=4896292004001

Fat-armed and dangerous

I’ll give my self-hatred credit: sometimes it gets really good with specifics.

I put on a sleeveless shirt, because whoo hoo, nearing 80 degrees in Philly today! Suck it, seasonal depression!

But then I got a gander at my upper arms, and… Jesus Christ, can you get arm lipo? I bet you can. I should look into that. Arm lipo sounds much easier than hoisting my fat ass off the couch, popping in a Shaun T DVD and actually, um, WORKING on it. Pfft. This IS America, isn’t it? Suck out my fat and then give me a snack.

Joking. FINE. I’ll do a pushup. FINE.

P.S. If I could do those pushups on TOP of Shaun T, I’d be far more enthused. I know, I know — he’s gay, and married. Like I’d have a shot if he weren’t. LET ME DREAM, people.

Walking around naked. Like ya do.

The other day, my amazing friend* ran a body confidence class at the sex shoppe (yep, shoppe). For “homework,” she assigned us to go home and spend an hour naked, checking out our bodies, noting the good, disregarding the bad, and just getting comfortable seeing them.

So I just emailed her and said, “Just letting you know I’m walking around naked. Carry on.”

Not gonna lie, I’m NOTICING the bad. (“Really? Those are my boobs? Huh…”) But overall, I’m kind of adorable.

Also, the heat in my house is up to like 80 degrees because brrrrr.

Also, I may have strange friendships. But they’re the best.

* FYI, the friend is the lovely and talented Yvette St. James, and you should follow her on Twitter and attend all her classes because they’re super fun and informative.

Quotable Shonda

“Fat runs toward me and jumps up onto my body and clings there. Like it knows that it has found a home. Like it wants to be with its people.”
— Shonda Rhimes, Year of Yes

I am what I eat. Ohhhh, SHIT…

I find it rude that my body-image-issue days are so often accompanied by cravings for fried cheese.

“I am a giant, unlovable hambeast. Oh, look, pierogies!”

In which I get my dander up about a movie from 2005.

Discussing fat-girl book-to-movie casting with a friend, and he cited In Her Shoes by Jennifer Weiner.

My reaction:

“Yep, I read that book and saw that movie. The author wasn’t pleased with the casting, appearance-wise. Toni Collette weighed 20 lbs less than I do and worried in the movie voiceover about how her ass looked in a thong, and lamented that she loved shoes so much because they ‘always fit.’

“Um, whatever, lady. Sorry, I couldn’t hear your tiny violin over all my ear fat. Also, shoes never fit me, either, so eat a dick — maybe it has some calories.”

(Not to hate on Toni Collette, or on skinny women at all. She gained the weight they told her to gain for the role. I’m not saying she should have been made to put on 50 lbs more. It’s just that Toni Collette at ~120 lbs. should really not be the standard for Cameron Diaz calling you a “fat pig,” as happened in the movie.)

I mean, c’mon, really?

Yep. Toni Collette — clearly a total fucking hambeast.