Me: “That’s hurtful, Amazon.”
Amazon: “I learned it by watching YOU!”
I’m sure you’ve seen quite enough of this on your Facebook feeds this week, so I hate to add to the bullshit. But the combination of characters I thought of made me laugh.
“Describe yourself in three fictional characters…”
As seen on Jennifer Weiner’s Facebook page:
Things I knew FOR SURE yesterday:
“I am taking a break from this blog and from OkCupid to focus on work and getting my life/health/goals in order. I will write about this break tomorrow night and that’ll be that.”
Things I know for sure today:
“I have a new blog follower (hi!), and received a free book I requested from a publisher so I can review it here. Also, I just saw a man on OkCupid who’s cute, tall, literate, and likes to play naughty in bed but was somehow both forthright and gentlemanly about it.”
Right, then. “Strike that. Reverse it.”
Pro tip: Women on dating sites LOVE being commanded by your first message to answer for their entire gender:
“Why is it that a truly interesting opening line such as ‘what were the last 3 books you’ve read’ goes ignored because it sounds like homework, a simple ‘hello’ is frowned upon, and asking someone to share a coffee without weeks of messages is seen as ‘too quick?’ Is there a mixed message command center I am unaware of?”
Well, first, you answered your own first question. Sure, you’re a douchebag for referring to your books question as “truly interesting,” because it’s not. But you’re right — some women might ignore it “because it sounds like homework.” *I* wouldn’t, if you’d just started with that, but instead you went with putting your anger issues right out there on Front St., so…no.
There ya go: Message un-mixed.
P.S. Last three books: Brain on Fire, Things No One Will Tell Fat Girls, and The Noonday Demon. Now, see, that could in fact, have started a decent conversation, if you hadn’t put the “ass” in “alas.”