SOMEONE BE AS MAD AT THIS AS I AM.

Well, that seems perfectly normal…

It’s probably somehow significant that I’m listening to an audiobook about sexual assault, and so far the only time I’ve needed an emotional break is the chapter that begins with the 2016 election.

Diggin’ at the Duggars

So…when I search my library’s app for books about clutter, one of the results is a book about the Duggar family.

I couldn’t make that up. I am nowhere NEAR that funny.

“Diamonds are a girl’s best…wait, is that cake?”

I’m listening to Michelle Obama’s audiobook, and she’s describing how Barack proposed to her in a restaurant. The server brought the dessert plate and lifted the fancy lid, and there was “a dark velvet box where the chocolate cake was supposed to be.”

And, OK, fine — yay, congrats, mazel, etc.

But also, um… You’re still gonna bring my cake, right? It’s just backstage somewhere?

I feel like she really glossed over the important part.

Call Me By Your Name

Jesus Christ, book I’m reading. Just call me out by name next time, damn…

 

(The Year of Less, by Cait Flanders, if you wondered. I wasn’t expecting to feel so personally attacked by a book about saving money and getting rid of clutter.)

I’m having feelings. I don’t care for it.

Y’all, I may be dead inside and stuck in heinous rush hour traffic, but even *I* can’t keep this dipshit look off my face listenting to Michelle Obama recount her early courtship with Barack. JESUS, people, I’m not made of wood. This shit is cuter than a Hallmark movie about kittens wearing tiny sweaters. COME ON. #IAMBECOMING

Letting my fat flag fly

Perhaps I’m a little too irritable to start an audiobook about the connection between obesity and clutter…

Also, I swear it’s a joke — I know we already have QUITE enough bloated, size-queeny, too-fat-to-function patriotism.

Jesus, Amazon — I KNOW I’m fat.

Oh, hey… Kiss my dick, Amazon.

Coming soon to a bookstore near you…

Text to a friend: “I didn’t know that was weird until my therapist told me.”

This should be the title of my debut novel.

What have I been teaching you, Amazon?!

Once again, Amazon taking the boldest of leaps with my search terms…