They said “no photos” at the booksigning yesterday, but, I mean… CLEARLY they just meant flash photos, not my shitty, stealth, zoom-lens-through-people’s-heads iPhone 4S ones. Ahem…

#scofflaw #IHave60FollowersNoOneCares schumer1.jpg

Feminist as fuck.

Last night I went to Margaret Atwood’s booksigning at the Philly Free Library. Look at me, all feminist and intellectual and shit. Classy as fuck, right?

Um, yeah, leading up to the event, I was having this hilar-balls group text with friends…

Friend 1: “What kind of classes should I teach at the sex boutique besides oral sex?”
Friend 2: “Something about body confidence in the bedroom? Toys, why to use them, different ways to incorporate them.”
Me: “Confidence for sure. Maybe consent? Intro BDSM? Handjob Blandjob?”
Friend 1: “I’m the WORST at handjobs!”
Me: “That’s because they’re not a real thing.”
Friend 1: “That’s shit you do on your own. I’ll never be as good.”
Me: “Right? I hired you to use your mouth. I HAVE hands.”
Friend 1: “I could probably teach a class about how to incorporate toys into coupled sex.”
Me: “Yes. Because I have no idea. Well, wait… There was that one time. But nothing I did with that asshole counts. (To be clear, I did nothing to his asshole. He was just a shithead who brought a toy.)”
Friend 2: “I like giving handjobs…but only if they don’t take forever.”
Friend 1: “I’m terrible at them, hate doing them, always have, always will.”
Me: “I like a happy man who’s not looking to put things in my butt. If he needs a handjob, I’ll DO it, but I just feel like I could be more useful.”
Friend 2: “Agreed, but sometimes my knees are sore and I need to change it up. (Sorry, is this too much?)”
Me: “Yes, we clearly have a “too much” threshold. 🙂 Also, my hands and wrists are FUCKED from phone/computer use, so handjobs hurt, AND I’m bad at them.”
Friend 1: “Handjobs take forever. At least with a blowjob I can incorporate my hands to give my mouth a rest. I’m hardly ever on my knees. I just move around if I’m uncomfortable.”
Friend 2: “Eh, sometimes they take forever, sometimes not. And I prefer BJs, and prefer my knees (good angle for all involved).”
Me: “Anyone else really want dick now? (Now, see, THAT’s too much.)”
Friend 2: “I do. Husband should thank you both. (I see your ‘too much’ and raise you.)”
Me: “Ha! You’re welcome, Husband.”
Friend 1: “Boyfriend will also be benefiting from this conversation.”
Me: “Meanwhile, I’m at a feminist booksigning. No dick in sight.”
Friend 2: “Maybe there will be literary dick?”
Me: “Heh. Maybe. Or bar dick afterward.”

How to Build A (Fan)Girl

Typical Thursday night, no big deal. Dinner. Drinks. Meeting and hugging one of my heroes. Ho hum. 

“A lot of the individual penises didn’t happen to me. They happened to friends or family.” @caitlinmoran #howtobuildagirl