Shouldn’t you want me to carry this day to term?

‪It is just too fucking early for this bullshit.‬

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You’re a classy motherfucker, man.

I think it’s clear I don’t shy away from vulgarity. I’m far from mature or highbrow about humor, as evidenced by all those Anthony Weiner jokes I snickered at. And I’m comfortable admitting that I’m 1/4 white trash/redneck, minimum.

However. I do have standards, goddammit. And beneath my standards is a particular subset of men who think they’re car-clever.

Example: Any car with plastic balls dangling from the back? You’re not fucking me. You won’t even get a date. Because you’re obviously 12 and I’m not ending up on “To Catch a Predator.”

But driving to work this morning, I saw my new favorite: a Plymouth Neon with two decals on the back bumper that read, “Louder than your girl,” with arrows pointing to two super-manly and not-at-all-phallic-compensating exhaust pipes.

I couldn’t finagle a photo while driving, but this is a similar image I found on Google:20140109-095827.jpg
Con…gratulations? Is that a good thing? Like, “louder than your girl” during sex? Or “louder than your girl” when she’s just generally talking because “OMG, women and their yammering, amirite?”

I have questions, sir. Your car needs footnotes.

Also, I mean, if it IS about sex… If you have a choice between making your car scream or a woman scream? You should pick woman. Every time. Because that woman will be so flooded with post-coital hormones that she’ll buy you all that car bullshit to ensure you continue bringing your A-game to her ladybits. And THAT is what we in the biz call “a win-win.” The last guy who made me scream, I would have bought exhaust pipes for the entire perimeter of his car if that’s what he wanted, as long as he kept his tongue where it was until I was finished and didn’t want to chat too much after.

P.S. Your car isn’t louder than I am during BAD sex, so you got screwed in entirely the wrong way here.