“Fatty fatsy fatterino”

BWAH HA HA…”During this whole fatty fatsy fatterino time people kept hitting on me, wanting to fuck me in my fat (but very tight!) pussy and, obviously, my asshole, which for me is a no-fly zone but I respect its power.”

This is part of why I don’t have a photo on this blog, or on the other (clean) one I write. I have neither time nor temperament to deal with shit like this.

Sara Benincasa via Medium.com:
Why Am I So Fat? A man wrote to me to ask why I gained weight. Here’s my response…

So many asshole jokes, so little time.

Well, I mean…They’re basically fucking the town in the ass, anyway. So maybe they’ll at least go to jail for THAT.

Instead of Helping Flint, Michigan Republicans Just Passed a Bill That Makes Anal Sex Illegal

Clinger karma

I feel bad getting over a guy I haven’t met just by reading his texts, but… You gave such good OkCupid messages — how do you text like an asshole?


Crap… I’m Mr. Heckles, aren’t I?

I told him politely that text-speak makes me twitchy, which is IN my OkC profile. He said that’s how he texts because he doesn’t have a smartphone, and, “i hate texting all together but im paying my dues until we can meet.”

Yeah, I’m out. I’d told him I was trying to relax after this week sucked the life out of me, but for every text I sent, he sent three. The last time it was five.

Listen, the rule about buttsex also applies to you being in my ass with poorly punctuated texts.

He asked if text speak bugged me THAT much. It does. But combined with you sending five texts with no response, and referring to getting to know each other a BIT via messaging so I’d feel safe meeting in person as “paying my dues?” Oh, sorry I won’t just meet a strange man from the Internet who can’t leave me alone for a day.

I’ve behaved this way, I know, so this is karmic payback. I was clingy with That Guy; I knew it at the time and have considered in hindsight how irritating it must have been. But since then it’s also happened to me with guys I’ve dated/talked to online, and now I’m a reformed Clinger. It’s the WORST, and I’m no longer tolerant or indulgent of it. I admit I can be obsessive, but I work very hard not to burden others with it. (You people notwithstanding. You subscribe, that’s on you.)

I’m really NOT a terrible person…probably…

From the department of “I’m going to hell”…

I just said something looked “more forced than buttsex on an altar boy.” 

You’re welcome. 
(Does it need to be said that I don’t actually find child molestation funny, nor do I have any qualms about religion? I did not invite that metaphor into my brain — I’m not sitting here thinking of pedo jokes as a habit. But I did think it was too good not to share. If you like, just substitute ME for the altar boy, because I don’t want that nonsense in my ass, either.)


Wait, what?

A nice, gentlemanly first message from someone on OKCupid?

I don’t understand. I mean, that sentence is clearly English, yet I don’t know how to process it.

Where are the overtures of buttsex with which I’m so familiar? Nothing about my vagina at all?

I think he’s a unicorn.

Or maybe he’s just being a gentleman and he’s saving the offer of anal for the second email. Yeah, that’s probably it.

Oh, and let me save y’all some time. Ahem…

“What are you doing on a dating site? You are emotionally fucked six ways to Sunday! You have intimacy, daddy, and trust issues — that’s the trifecta! You are destined to die alone and sexually frustrated. What the hell are you doing?!”

All valid concerns, and rest assured, I’ve been over them. Haven’t solved a one of ’em, but…um… The first step is admitting you have a problem?

Match dot come ON!

My online-dating horror stories include three different dudes who were doggedly interested in butt sex (see what I did there?) and the subtleties therein (and there?): “Not at all? Not a finger? What about tongue?”

And one guy, within his first five messages, offered me an impressively vivid description of how he’d pleasure me orally. (Which, hey, yay for enthusiasm, but Jesus, give me a little “lady” leeway. I’ll probably let you do that on a first date, but not on first email — it’s called class?)

Anyone else have any good stories, or have your friends had any noteworthy adventures? If it’s too awful to post publicly, email smugsingleton@gmail.com.

Match.com, my ass. Oh, wait…

Drunk enough to revisit Match.com.

Sober enough to remember how many of my potential suitors there wanted to put things in or around my ass. Quickly deleted account again.

“Looking for the one” is apparently Match code for “looking for the one who’s into buttsex.”