Introducing Amazon Prime’s Asshole Plan…

An acquaintance shared this on Facebook:


I only bothered reading the first 20 or so comments, so maybe someone said it beyond that, but I didn’t see anyone suggest maybe, um…NOT lying to your spouse about your spending habits?

One of the comments LEGIT advised using Amazon’s lockers so the husbands wouldn’t see.

*sigh* You go enjoy your very healthy marriage. I’m single, so what the shit do *I* know?

Also, “HA HA HA, we’re women and we love to shop and we do so irresponsibly and then lie about it, HA HA HA FUNNY HA HA.”

(I know, I know — it’s a joke and I’m a buzzkill.)

It’s in “People” magazine. Because it happens to People.

I just learned that May is Mental Health Awareness Month, so I’m going to post about it a bit, even though the posts never really go well. But I have a lot of friends who deal with mental health issues, and I dabble (maybe), so I think it’s important. Though I’ll try not to harp on it, because I understand it’s kind of a buzzkill.

Plus, Kristen Bell, who’s just delightful. And duh, obviously the little sister from Frozen was depressed and anxious, damn. Elsa was all shitty and agoraphobic, totally repressed because her parents wouldn’t let her feel her feelings. Wouldn’t even build a snowman with her kid sister, SHIIIT.

That’s why Anna was sad, disenchanted, and about to marry some asshole she’d known for a day just so she could get some attention. Baby girl had ISSUES.

(Seriously, though, good for her for talking about it, and in People magazine — possibly the most mainstream publication ever. And being chill about it, just, “Hey, this is common, and seeking help for it isn’t something you should be ashamed of.”)

Kristen Bell Discusses Dealing with Anxiety and Depression:bell.png

Wow, I’m even the wrong kind of asshole. 

I emailed him back, because I am an idiot. He’d clarified some things, so I wanted to do the same.

Aaand it turned out exactly as I thought it would.

One day I will learn to listen to my friends and just be an asshole when the situation calls for it, which is what I think he wanted — for me to keep quiet and stay away.

But at least I got it out. “The cold never bothered me, anyway.”

P.S. Fun fact: Gmail’s “block” feature is apparently about as useless as Facebook’s. Technology can kiss my dick.

P.P.S. Sorry, I’ll take the weekend off and stop buzzkilling your news feeds.

Basic Human Decency v. Competent Parenting

Sorry, no, Aunt Buzzkill. Me NOT being an asshole to a little kid is a far cry from “great maternal instinct.”*

My 2-year-old nephew asked me to hold his hand to help him down the stairs and I did. That’s not “instinct,” that’s…not being a douchebag. What else was I gonna say? “No way, fuckface, you’re on your own.” It’s also just part of a social contract — I would really prefer not to explain to his parents how their child ended up tumbling down the steps.

If If anything, that’s the KID’S instinct: “Hm. I require assistance navigating these stairs. Perhaps I should request some help from someone with marginally superior motor skills. You there! Lumpy! Take my hand!” That is me taking direction from a child who knows his needs better than I do.

I’m good with toddlers because all I have to do is play Mr. Potato Head, tickle tummies, and make sure no one explodes. Fairly easy in 1-day increments, but I wouldn’t call it “instinct.” Once they get fussy, I hand them back to Mom or Dad: “This one’s broken, fix it.” I don’t know what the hell to do with these kids. My instinct is to give him 20 bucks and a bus pass and tell him to figure his life out.

* I am quite sure this was intended merely as a compliment, and not as any sort of pressure to be fruitful and multiply from someone who’d never even see my hypothetical spawn. Well, I’m MOSTLY sure that’s how it was intended…probably… She IS kind of a dick…

“I’m in the business of misery, let’s take it from the top.”

I’ve said this before, but this song is my angsty JAM. It’s a Fiona Apple kind of night at work. “Hot Knife” is up next. Maybe a little Anna Nalick later — “Catalyst,” for sure.

If you have a favorite misery-wallowing song, leave it in the comments. We’ll create our own Smug Buzzkill Playlist!

(NB: First person to say “Another Day in Paradise” or fucking “Christmas Shoes” gets stabbed in the eyes.)