Bend Him Like Beckham

I had a post written about three OkCupid guys fading away on me in one day, boasting about a new personal best. I was “glad the non-feeling was mutual.”

Spoke too soon: Two of them wrote me back today.

Oh. Whoops, sorry, I thought we were done here.

Hm. It might be my turn to fade away, but…one of them is British. Can I, like, bang him then Brexit? I’ve never heard a British guy moan in ecstasy* — maybe there’s an extra “U” in their sex sounds. I should really do my patriotic duty to foster friendly international relations. My vagina would basically be the U.N.

* Yes, he’d be ecstatic. I’d be really, REALLY excited to pleasure someone, and from what I’ve heard, enthusiasm counts for a lot. Not to mention I’m just a delight in bed generally — “Lady in the street” and all. I watch a lotta porn and I take classes about dick. I got this. Gimme.

#cocky #literally


Right. The OkCupid guy I messaged yesterday looked at my profile last night, and I just noticed he’s “either deleted or disabled his account.”

And the other guy just never answered.


Understood. I am a hideous idiot trollbeast. If you need me, I’ll be on a bridge demanding answers to riddles. (Except I’m dumb, so I probably don’t know the answers to riddles.)

Actually, I take that back — I’m clearly not hideous given the number of shady hoodrats and married guys who’ve messaged to offer a one-night-only impotence extravaganza in my vagina. So I’m at least hot enough to put a dick in. So it’s just smart guys who don’t dig me. So I’m just a moron. Excellent.

I know, I KNOW. It’s fine. Let me have my pity party and I’ll be back to self-love tomorrow. I mean, maybe, I don’t know — I probably suck at clairvoyance as well.

I’m pretty good at martinis, though. I’ll get on that when I get home.

Boosting morale and apparently also your dick

So, hey, Creepy Guy From Another Office in my Building to Whom I’ve Only Ever Said ‘Hi’ in a Small Talky Sense…

I have not “been on a diet.”

I have not “lost weight.”

I DO “look good,” but it’s pretty gross that you said ALL that while passing me in the hall. I realize I can’t get you to stop appraising my body, but it’d be SUPER great if you could stop reporting your findings aloud.

Worse, I said “Thank you,” because I’m an asshole, and am now wondering what kind of goddamn hambeast I looked like before. (I look fine, it’s just my dress — sundresses are very kind to my body.)

By the way, yes, I do think I’d be this pissy if it were an attractive man who said it. Because you brought my weight AND dieting into your “compliment,” implying my weight until today had been somehow suboptimal. So fuck you twice-baked.

P.S. By the way, dicknuts — depression, anxiety, and stress can also cause weight loss. In my case, so can being on drugs that screw with your appetite and hopefully prevent you from going crazy. But hey, I’m thrilled I’m able give you your Monday lunchtime semi. I’ll go find out who I speak to about adding “fluffer” to my business card.

“Your smile would be even prettier around my dick.”

I’m not trying to be an ass, but I don’t know how men expect me to respond when their first message to me on OKCupid just says “Beautiful,” or “Pretty smile,” and nothing else.

It’s flattering, sure, and thanks, I guess, but…it’s a dating site. You wouldn’t be talking to me if you didn’t think I was cute. What else ya got? Show your work.

This isn’t conceit, by any stretch. It’s actually the opposite — I’m just no longer surprised when men find me attractive. Especially the kind of sketchy, monosyllabic fucks from whom these messages generally originate. I’ve been whistled at at the grocery store when I’m rocking dirty hair, baggy jeans, and a giant sweatshirt — some men have different standards of beauty than I do. I’m not hideous or anything; I clean up OK. But yeah, I’m gonna need more than “Beautiful,” and more than a word or two. Anything that focuses solely on appearance always reads to me like that Chris Rock bit about offering dick:

“Beautiful. (Can I offer you some dick?)”
“Pretty smile. (How ’bout some dick?)”

It’s fine, I suppose, if that’s what you’re on the site for, but that’s not why I’m there. (I don’t know WHY I’m there, exactly, other than blog fodder, but I know I’m not there for casual dalliances with the inarticulate.)

(Also, remind me if I ever write a book to title it “Casual Dalliances with the Inarticulate.” That’s some Sedaris shit, right there.)

“Can I offer you some DICK?”…continued.

Conversation with a male friend about a message I got on Facebook from another male friend asking me if I wanted “to hang out sometime”:

Me: “The Girl Contingent has advised me to delete him from Facebook, but I’d feel bad.  If he skeeves me one more time, though, I’m out. By the way, was that a date request? I thought he was just looking for a friend in the area, but I told Ex-Factor that and he gave me an eyebrow, like it’s adorable how oblivious I am to the Attentions of Men.”

Him: “Yeah, that was most definitely a date request. I feel like you have two options: delete him or tell him in no uncertain terms ASAP that it ain’t gonna happen. Otherwise I think it has the potential to get worse before it gets better.”

Me: “Holy shit, are you serious? That’s ballsy. I really thought he was just looking for friends. No. Just…no. I can’t date anyone more inept than I am.”

Him: “I mean, only he knows for sure …. I’m just basing this off the assumption that he’s interested in you given he may have subtly propositioned you in the past and how much he tries to interact with you on Facebook. Perhaps he’s casting a line out there seeing if you’ll bite.”

Me: “Nope. Nooooope. I’m not biting anything for him. I’m not sure how, exactly, but I’m pretty sure I’ll get stupider if I let him touch me.”

EDIT: I sent the invitation to “bowling” verbatim to another male friend, who said, “Yeah, you could easily replace every line of his in that conversation with ‘would you like some dick?’ and lose no context.”

“Can I offer you some dick?”

An extra post today, because I just got a delightfully random and wholly unsolicited offer of dick, and I wanted to share this video with you.

I’m going to try to re-work some of the details and post them here, but it may be another one of those things that I cannot possibly make funnier than the truth.