“I’m not fat. I’m rubenesque.”

I woke up about 2 weeks ago feeling suddenly and substantially fatter*, which is, like, a SPECTACULAR way to wake up. Clothes that had fit are all sausage-casey now, as if I’d gained 10 lbs overnight.


So in my continued effort to “stop being sad and be awesome instead (true story),” FINE, I’ll try eating better and exercising. I am the only woman who finds it easier to drop a few pounds than to shop for new clothes. But it took me forEVER, and cost a lot of money, to find a decent wardrobe that fit my short, pudgy Muppet body properly, and I’ll be goddamned if I’m going through that again. Running and yoga are free. Not eating is, like, SUPER free. So losing weight is easier AND cheaper. (Plus, you know, health reasons, but…whatever, ice cream is great and exercise blows.)
*I typed “substantially fatter” too quickly at first, and my iPhone was like, “You meant ‘duvet sticky regret,’ right?”

Jesus Christ, iPhone. No. That was LAST year.