It’s not my brain that’s growing cobwebs…

I get what they’re trying to say, but…no. Go down on my vagina

I can think for myself just fine. I need YOU under the hood, making sure everything’s running smoothly — fluids topped off, I think my throttle body needs to be cleaned, and CHRIST, my check engine light’s been on for months.

As for the orgasms, please see above, re: my vagina.

Eat a dick, Monday

Sometimes when I have a terrible weekend, I can take a lovely, fuck-the-environment-long hot shower on Monday morning and leave it behind.

Then sometimes I try to leave for work and find out my car is dead.

And that’s fun, too. Like an extended dance fiesta shitty weekend remix.

P.S. Aaand of course the tow truck dude is incredulous that I “don’t have a guy” who can drive me to work while it’s being fixed. Thanks, man, ‘ppreciate that.

Introducing the new 2016 Chevy Hypocrite…

I don’t get into politics here, or anywhere, really, because political discourse makes me anxious, even when I agree. But I saw this earlier on a truck in front of me at a red light, and I need to swear about it, and it’s not actually about POLITICS, per se — it’s about misrepresented patriotism, and I think my bewildered inquiries are funny. So…disclaimed enough?

Right then.  

In case the photo is too blurry, it reads: “In Loving Memory of USA, July 4, 1776 – Nov. 4, 2008. R.I.P.”

I have questions.

So, if your candidate of choice gets elected next year, does America get resurrected? Are we a zombie? Are we Jesus? OMFG, are we Zombie Jesus?

Once Obama is out, do we start all over with calendars, like a BC/AD changeover? BO/AO?

Why and how did the country die, EXACTLY? Pull over, let’s chat. I really want to hear you to articulate it.

And if we ARE dead, how are YOU still here? Reverse rapture? Shouldn’t you be in a Kimmy-Schmidt-style bunker somewhere, eating freeze-dried jerky and waiting out this supposed apocalypse? 

If you really think the election of some dude you don’t agree with is reason to MOURN AMERICA, then you clearly don’t think as much of your country as you’re purporting to. There’s not one of these fuckers who could get elected that would compel me to put that dumbass shit on my car.

See also: go fuck yourself, and the depreciated resale value of your stupid car. Which, by the way, was a fucking CHEVY, which, according to your theory, as an American-made car, would’ve died in ’08 as well (ahem, especially without an auto bailout…) so maybe go get a Hyundai if you’re gonna weep for America, shitdick. (Or, hell, at least a Ford.)

You ain’t “Greased Lightnin’,” asshole.

Text from a friend: “Just saw a guy in a truck with the window decal that said ‘4 doors for more whores.’ I’m sure a classy guy like that couldn’t possibly be single.”

Me: “I will add that to the list of vehicular decor that disqualifies a man from getting his dick anywhere near me. See also: truck nuts; Confederate flags; bumper sticker reading ‘louder than your girl’ next to a giant, clearly compensatory tailpipe. (All things I’ve seen this year.)”

Introducing the new 2016 Mini-Cooper Sharp.

OK, sure, it’s POSSIBLE I’m eating cheese from the package while I drive because I have PMS. 

But I think a more plausible explanation is that “driving cheese” is an amazing idea and I’m a goddamn innovator. 

Look at that tray. LOOK AT IT. That is clearly destined to hold cheese.