I definitely shouldn’t be as proud as I am of my ability to choke down sudden-onset Feels and get on with my workday, but my GOD, this time was impressive.
I deserve some sort of Irish medal.
But…tonight is pretty much earmarked entirely for a date with Fiona Apple, bourbon, and an Ugly Cry.
And hey, happy bonus of the nausea: my lunch is still sitting untouched on my desk. They’re diet feelings this time! Feelings Lite! 100-Calorie Feelings!
Ahem. There’s a line from “Friends” where Chandler introduces himself by saying, “I’m Chandler, I make jokes when I’m uncomfortable.”
I may have to cancel my other date, because as it turns out, I may not be sexually frustrated ENOUGH to hook up with an open-married man with herpes simplex 1 (the cold sore kind).
Womp, womp.
I’m actually bummed about this. He was my first online dating spark and I was looking forward to meeting, kissing, and eventually sleeping with him. Understand how MUCH I was looking forward to it, because I’m actually debating, “What are the odds I already have/will get this?”If this were any other guy, it’d be a Fadeaway tout suite. But Dude was willing to go out to dinner with me, fuck me, then LEAVE, and he’s not an idiot. THAT’S THE DREAM.
Obviously I’m glad he told me, and I’m going to get my own full STI screen. Who the hell knows, maybe I already have it — you can get it a million different (non-sexual) ways and never show symptoms. If I DO…well, the bright side is that sex is on. But if I don’t, I don’t want to go through the rest of my life disclosing this to potential partners and boyfriends because I had casual sex with a married guy.
It’s interesting: I polled a few friends about this and got divided responses. Some people said, “Eh. No big deal, everyone has it,” and others were like, “No. That’s some soulmate shit, not something you want to get from a married fling.”
One friend said I was “Chandlering,” a nod to Chandler Bing from Friends, who used reasons like “mascara goop” and giant heads as excuses not to date women because he was afraid. I AM afraid, but truly believe I haven’t rejected anyone for the male equivalent of “mascara goop.” I’m waiting for a decent bit of chemistry, someone worth shaving my legs for, and genuinely haven’t had it until now. Also, Chandler’s romantic issues ended with one of the top 5 best marriage proposals in TV history, so if I AM Chandler, I’ll take it.
In researching this, I’ve learned a lot of places don’t screen for herpes as part of a routine STI test — you can add it to the standard test, or you can test for it separately. So I’ve had “an STI test,” but I think the woman said those screen only for chlamydia, gonorrhea, and HIV. So… “The more you know… *brrrrring*”
I’ve also learned that Googling “herpes” will make you never want to have sex again, and that getting tested for STIs is a tremendous pain in the balls: my insurance won’t cover testing at Planned Parenthood, and I can’t get a gyno appointment until April. Can’t they add this to CVS’s Minute Clinic services? It seems pretty important.
Also, it is not at all weird that my personal Facebook, not connected to OkCupid in any way, suggested I add Hot Married Guy as a friend. But damn, he’s cute… Goddammit…
Chandler: “Well, she spent the last 6 months getting over him, and now she’s celebrating that by…going on a date with him.”
Monica: “It’s not a date! I’m just gonna teach him how to make a lasagna for some potluck dinner he has.”
Joey: “Well, you might wanna make a little extra, because, ya know, you’ll probably be hungry after the sex.”
Monica: “We’re not gonna have sex! OK, nothing’s changed here — he still doesn’t want children and I still do. So that’s why we’re gonna just be friends.”
Chandler: So you don’t think I’m terminal? Monica: You’re not terminal. We just need some damage control. Chandler: OK. OK. So, should I call her? Rachel & Monica: No! Rachel: Very critical time right now. If you feel yourself reaching for that phone, you go shoe shopping. You get your butt in a bubble bath. If you want her back, you have got to start acting aloof. Monica: She has to know that you’re not needy. Chandler: So, I’m not gonna lose her? Rachel: [going over to him and patting his head] Oh, honey, you’re not a total loser. Chandler: I said, “So I’m not gonna lose her?” Rachel: Oh.
Pulling myself out of a weird funk. This helped, as it always does, in part because Chandler went on to participate in one of the all-time greatest TV marriage proposals. (My undying love for Monica & Richard notwithstanding.)
Smug Singleton 