So, hey, ever get depressed about your weight and just think “Fuck it” and order a pizza AND cheese fries?
Ahem… Yeah, me, neither. I was just asking. Fucking ridiculous, right? What kind of dipshit-ass fake adult would do something THAT stupid…? *cough*
It’s funny when my brain tries being an asshole like it doesn’t know I have access to pills, bourbon, cheese, chocolate, and pictures of baby animals.
Not today, fuckface.
It probably speaks volumes about my romantic future that today I received email coupons from both OkCupid and Grubhub, and deleted the OKC one without reading it, but hopped on that Grubhub shit like white on rice. (Especially since I used it to order Indian food, so literal white rice is forthcoming. As is my true soulmate, paneer.)
I’m not 100% sure about this guy I’m about to message on OkCupid. If I’m being totally honest, he might be too smart and too chill for my silly, hyper ass.
But in his profile photo, he’s pouring shredded cheese into small, hollowed-out pumpkins to make individual fondue pots, and… well, people, my needs are simple.
1. Salad is stupid. Fuck off with your leaves, salad. I’m not a goddamn giraffe.
2. Trying to solve problems without burying them in fried cheese is like trying to count to purple.
3. Jesus turned water into wine because even HE knew water is some bullshit.
I need to start keeping better track of my menstrual cycle so I can at least see some reason in being a puffy, disgusting cheese monster.🧀👹🔪
Here lies Smug Singleton: She died of cramps, which is totally a thing that can happen.
Don’t send flowers, flowers are bullshit. You spend that money on fried cheese and whiskey. That’s what she would’ve wanted. (YES, fried cheese and whiskey at 10 a.m. Christ almighty, do you want to honor her or not?)
Rest in petty, Smug.
I really do like craft beer, but this is pretty great. I’ve definitely been on a few episodes of Side Eye from the Beer Guy when beer bros don’t think I know what I’m talking about.
Ahem, and for the bonus dick: “The other night I sampled Stone Brewing’s W00t Stout. You know that one where they collaborated with Wil Wheaton? OMG, I know—how great is Wil Wheaton?!”
Via Reductress: I’m Not Really Into Craft Beer, I’m Just Here for the Dick
By the way, y’all should just go follow Reductress, because they’re delightful and may be my soulmates:
6 Cheese Wheels For When You Give Up On Sex
Added to an already solid foundation of mac & cheese, pierogies, and cheesy pretzel bites. And wine.
Um, no, YOU have PMS.
I regret nothing.
Smug Singleton 