If he also made pie, I’ll marry him.

I’m not 100% sure about this guy I’m about to message on OkCupid. If I’m being totally honest, he might be too smart and too chill for my silly, hyper ass.

But in his profile photo, he’s pouring shredded cheese into small, hollowed-out pumpkins to make individual fondue pots, and… well, people, my needs are simple.

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Observations on trying to eat better

1. Salad is stupid. Fuck off with your leaves, salad. I’m not a goddamn giraffe.

2. Trying to solve problems without burying them in fried cheese is like trying to count to purple.

3. Jesus turned water into wine because even HE knew water is some bullshit.

Mask of the Cramp-tasm

Here lies Smug Singleton: She died of cramps, which is totally a thing that can happen.

Don’t send flowers, flowers are bullshit. You spend that money on fried cheese and whiskey. That’s what she would’ve wanted. (YES, fried cheese and whiskey at 10 a.m. Christ almighty, do you want to honor her or not?)

Rest in petty, Smug.

Beer, cheese, sexism, and soulmates

I really do like craft beer, but this is pretty great. I’ve definitely been on a few episodes of Side Eye from the Beer Guy when beer bros don’t think I know what I’m talking about.

Ahem, and for the bonus dick: “The other night I sampled Stone Brewing’s W00t Stout. You know that one where they collaborated with Wil Wheaton? OMG, I know—how great is Wil Wheaton?!”

Via Reductress: I’m Not Really Into Craft Beer, I’m Just Here for the Dick

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By the way, y’all should just go follow Reductress, because they’re delightful and may be my soulmates:
6 Cheese Wheels For When You Give Up On Sex
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