I do not like “Wham bam, thank you, ma’am.” I do not like it, Sam, damn.

OkCupid emails you a little preview whenever you get a new message.

Aaand sometimes that preview is all you need…  
There’s two fucking feet of snow on the ground, shitheel. I’m not going outside for anyone’s dick.

To his credit, his VERY first message said, “Hi I am sam how are you doing​,” so he was totes chivalrous about it. The hotel thing came two minutes later. As I suspect he would.

(Also…”I am Sam?” Nope. Nooope. I didn’t even change his name like I usually do because it was just too good.)

He made me an offer I could absolutely, 100% refuse. 

SO.

I just got an OkCupid intro message…from a 6’3″, “overweight” (his word choice) “Happily Married” man, with a single Photoshopped profile photo that obscures his face and shows none of his body, asking if I’d be into some “non-committal intamcy” (his spelling error).

This is his entire self-summary: “Happily Married, I just enjoy more, like any man.”

Hmmm… You know, enticing as you’ve made all this, I’m probably good on that for a lifetime.

I do appreciate the offer to fuck me and then go away — sometimes I think that’s all I need. But I’m a LADY, dicknuts. You have to come correct (heh) and supply me at least a few real photos of what I’d be working with before I’d even BEGIN to consider this. If I can’t see your face, how am I supposed to know if I want to sit on it?

Honestly. Whatever happened to chivalry?

Also…”non-committal intimacy?” You are a grody bastard whose wife won’t bang him anymore, possibly because you’re on a dating site hustlin’ for some strange. Own it.

NB: If that’s what you’ve agreed to in your marriage, you go ahead and get yours. I’ve actually briefly considered similar offers from other, more forthright men. This dude just had a bit of the sketch on him.

Also, nothing wrong with “overweight.” Half that weight is probably just his giant balls.

Match dot come ON!

My online-dating horror stories include three different dudes who were doggedly interested in butt sex (see what I did there?) and the subtleties therein (and there?): “Not at all? Not a finger? What about tongue?”

And one guy, within his first five messages, offered me an impressively vivid description of how he’d pleasure me orally. (Which, hey, yay for enthusiasm, but Jesus, give me a little “lady” leeway. I’ll probably let you do that on a first date, but not on first email — it’s called class?)

Anyone else have any good stories, or have your friends had any noteworthy adventures? If it’s too awful to post publicly, email smugsingleton@gmail.com.

Re-blog: “24 Rules for Being a Gentleman in 2014”

Kind of “don’t be a dick” rules for everyone, really.

But this one got to me: “Do not sleep with anyone who wants a relationship from you that you are not prepared to give. Using their affection to get something from them physically is easy, but it makes you a bad person.”

Match.com, my ass. Oh, wait…

Drunk enough to revisit Match.com.

Sober enough to remember how many of my potential suitors there wanted to put things in or around my ass. Quickly deleted account again.

“Looking for the one” is apparently Match code for “looking for the one who’s into buttsex.”