This year I am thankful for Netflix and pajamas.

Texting a friend after a chat with my boss…

Happy Holidaze!

Merry Christmas, you magnificent weirdos. I am grateful for you all. 

And also for pie.

And Paxil.

And wine. SO much wine.

But mostly for you all, I swear.

Let’s be honest, I just wanted to see the dog.

On one hand, canceling plans IS my favorite. Very little in life is better — dogs, sure, but not much else.

On the other hand, meeting dudes at my friends’ huge parties has been the only successful route to nookie I’ve had in recent memory, and I’m kinda pissed I’m too sick to go prowlin’, because I am cute as fuck in Christmas garb.

Plus there’s definitely a dog there.

Fuck you and your betrayin’ ass, Body. This is NOT the bed I want to be in.🖕🏼

Looking a gift horse in the…FUCKFACE!

My office is collecting toys for a local charity.

This is the list of suggestions from the charity’s flier.

I hate everything.

Girls can like Marvel, ASSHOLES, and I hear tell they even let us gals have the MP3 players now — not iPods, that would just be TOO much. But we can have a Zune. 😒

YEAH, lookin’ right at ya, Santa…

My friend texted this to me and asked if I’d wear it, and HELL yes! I’ve been looking for that perfect special something to wear to Christmas dinner with my family.

“HI, DAD.”

Weird new interpretation of “He sees you when you’re sleeping…”

I thought about buying this shirt to wear on Christmas, but then I realized my nipples would be Santa’s eyes, and…nah.

I’m dreaming of a white (trash) Christmas…

Family Time, Day 2.

Wine rations are low. I am texting friends:

Me: “I’m in a car listening my mom and grandfather talk, and ‘Disco Duck’ is on the radio for some reason. So… I’m just gonna jump out of the car and hope for the best.”

Friend 1: “BWHAHAHA.”

Friend 2: “Holy shit, that is amazing. Godspeed.”

Me: “The conversation literally just went from houses in the city Grandpa worked on back in the day, to this area being ‘right near where Butch’s* friend was murdered,’ to ‘I have to go to that Indian doctor later this week.'”

Friend 2: “I look forward to your alone time. That is a lot to process.”
*When you’re white trash (as I am), there’s always a Butch. Fact. I know two. If you’re really lucky, you’ll get a “Butchy.” But you have to BELIEVE.

Merry Muddling!

Merry Christmas, you guys. May your liquor, ham, and patience be plentiful.

And remember, even if Jesus is the boss of you, this day isn’t. So if you’re just muddling through one way or another, high-five, ’cause we’re muddling together. Let’s make today our bitch. (“That’s what Christmas is all about, Charlie Brown.”)

Have fun and be safe. I love y’all.

Kisses,
Smug

Merry Christmas to all, and to all, some good mood-altering substances.

I think I’m packed for Christmas, yeah?  

No, wait… You’re right. I need beer.

Also, I totally hear you — Xanax would’ve been great, but alas, there’s some shit about ethics where they won’t give it to me because I don’t actually have anxiety? I KNOW, right, what the shit? This IS America, right? Family gatherings + Jesus’ birthday = special dispensation. That’s in the Bible: “And lo, distributed among them, there were delicious medications, and yea, they were happy. OK, well…not really HAPPY, but they didn’t hit anyone, and so there was peace on earth, and sedated goodwill toward men.”

P.S. I will spend today baking MANY cookies; those are almost Xanax if you eat enough of them.

P.P.S. That whiskey is not for me. That shit is like having one of those hippie honey cough drops in your drink. Ugh.

Family rally cry? Family rally cry.

I know you guys aren’t on my side with the country music, but I think we can all agree Pistol Annies have been reading my journal as we approach my family’s Christmas dinner. This is my new favorite song to sing in the car. (Shut up, I am SUPER hot when I have twang.)

“Well, Daddy’s reading propaganda
And he’s talkin’ ’bout the end of days
Well, cheers to the vodka Mama’s been sneakin’,
Let’s all gather ’round and pray.

“So I snuck out behind the red barn
And I took myself a toke
Since everybody here hates everybody here
Hell, I might as well be their joke.

“I’m gonna dance up on the table
Singing ‘This Little Light of Mine’
God gave it to me, what good’s it gonna do me
If I don’t, by God, let it shine?

“Hide your tattoo,
Put on your Sunday best,
Pretend you’re not a mess,
Be the happy family in the front pew…”

“Hush hush, don’t you dare say a word
Hush hush, don’t you know the truth hurts
Hush hush, when push comes to shove,
It’s best to keep it hush hush.”