Bend Him Like Beckham

I had a post written about three OkCupid guys fading away on me in one day, boasting about a new personal best. I was “glad the non-feeling was mutual.”

Spoke too soon: Two of them wrote me back today.

Oh. Whoops, sorry, I thought we were done here.

Hm. It might be my turn to fade away, but…one of them is British. Can I, like, bang him then Brexit? I’ve never heard a British guy moan in ecstasy* — maybe there’s an extra “U” in their sex sounds. I should really do my patriotic duty to foster friendly international relations. My vagina would basically be the U.N.

* Yes, he’d be ecstatic. I’d be really, REALLY excited to pleasure someone, and from what I’ve heard, enthusiasm counts for a lot. Not to mention I’m just a delight in bed generally — “Lady in the street” and all. I watch a lotta porn and I take classes about dick. I got this. Gimme.

#cocky #literally

WebMDammit

I’d like to thank the Internet for helping me narrow my self-diagnosis to either: a harmless cyst that will go away on its own; a staph infection; or a tumor.

Very helpful, Google, thank you.

It’s a cyst. Probably.

But if I die of staph-infected tumor, it’s been fun, guys. Remember, “Baby Got Back” at the funeral, and make sure the obituary spells it “staphylocockus.” #ClassyAsFuck

In which I WANT to be screwed by the patriarchy.

So there’s this blog floating around the Internet about how all heterosexual sex is rape, and even if women THINK we want it, it’s just patriarchal programming warping our delicate lady-brains.

I’m not dignifying it by linking to it, but I am going to share my friend’s response to the description:

“I didn’t click the link because I am in a happy place and do not want to be filled with rage. But you know what I do want to be filled with? Cock. *mic drop*”

“We’re gonna snatch that pussy and put him in a box and take him on the airplane.”**

Via The Huffington Post: There’s One Word You Should Never Use in Sexting.

Well, sure, but it’s not like anyone is sexting the word “penis,” either. Both words are unsexy because they’re just too clinical. I don’t know why they focused on “vagina.” (Maybe because it’s such a great thing to focus on — hey-o!)

Having said that, I’ll say “cock” or “dick,” but I have this weird thing where I can’t say any of the slang words for “vagina” in an actual sexual context. I end up going with “inside me.”

And yes, I do understand how weird that bit of prudishness is, given that I clearly have no issues talking about my vaginal shenanigans on a public blog. But “pussy” looks like it’s pus-related; “cunt” is an insult; “snatch” is a verb; I can’t even process “twat” — mine is too lovely to be called such a vulgar word; and no one has used “box” that way since like 1976. So I’m at a loss, cunning-linguistically.

** The title of this post is taken from an old George Carlin bit.