Self Care Sunday


Paxil, Adderall, pajamas, an irresponsible quantity of coffee, and a breakfast brownie.

Am I doing it right?



Truth in advertising

Thoughts from the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through: If we were honest about what America runs on, Dunkin’ would also fill prescriptions.

This is not biology; it’s a sinister ploy. 

It’s one of those menstruation days on which I’m so irrationally exhausted that I’ve become suspicious of the entire process, as if my body is somehow shedding things it shouldn’t, like…”No, no, we NEED that, what are you doing?!”

Before I left the house today I just threw a bunch of pills in my face and chased them with a bucket of coffee. Screw it, it’s bound to fix something.

My soulmate fills me with warmth and hope.

For a moment I thought, “I miss having a spouse-like device to make me coffee on lazy Sundays.”

But then I remembered my coffeemaker can be programmed to start automatically, so I’m going to marry it. 

Registry information to come. 💕☕️💍

Dispatches from the department of dubious sexual metaphors…

Dear Coffee,

It’s OK. I forgive you for hopping out of your cup and onto BOTH the white shirts I’m wearing today, first thing in the morning so I have to walk around all day with three faint splotches of coffee on my chest.

I know you didn’t mean it. You’re just enthusiastic, and I love that about you. I wish more things were that eager to get inside me.

Though, for future reference, you don’t have to do it on my chest. I will happily swallow you, then beg for more. But if that’s what you need, you do you, my love.

All is forgiven, for you are my one true savior.


Craigslist’s new “submissive connections” section

Entirety of first message from a man on OkCupid: “Hi, chat? Submissive?”

A few things:

1. Isn’t it nice how he puts in that bit about chatting before so deftly and subtly segueing into “submissive?” THAT’s how you treat a lady, gents.

2. The timestamp on the message is 5:50 a.m. I’m not submitting to anything at 5:50 in the goddamn morning except more sleep. Clearly our schedules wouldn’t mesh.

Sub-question (pun not intended, but stood by): Really? Dominating is on your mind at 5:50 a.m.? Let me get some coffee before we discuss safe words.

3. This is a shame, because I don’t know if I’m submissive because I like it, or because I’m lazy and unimaginative, but yeah, generally, I will be quite pleased to do any naughty little thing you tell me to and then beg you for more. But if that’s the FIRST thing you need to know, I’m probably not submissive enough for you.

Alas, good sir. Despite your enticing offer, this does not seem to be our time. Best of luck to you.

Thanks in advance for my multiple orgasms.

Dear David at the Barnes & Noble Café in Plymouth Meeting, PA,

I hadn’t been planning to masturbate tonight, but upon sight of you, now I realize I must. Thank you for your inspiration. You are my clitoral muse.

The Blushing Woman/Cold Brew & Scone

P.S. Couldn’t help but notice your finger didn’t have a ring on it. Those are my second favorite kinds of fingers. Give me a call, I’ll show you how we make ’em my first favorite.

EDIT: Goddammit! What a tragic waste of being asked, “Room for cream?”!