Coffee first, then soul crushing

Self Care Sunday

Hm…

Paxil, Adderall, pajamas, an irresponsible quantity of coffee, and a breakfast brownie.

Am I doing it right?

#SelfCareSunday

Truth in advertising

Thoughts from the Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through: If we were honest about what America runs on, Dunkin’ would also fill prescriptions.

This is not biology; it’s a sinister ploy.

It’s one of those menstruation days on which I’m so irrationally exhausted that I’ve become suspicious of the entire process, as if my body is somehow shedding things it shouldn’t, like…”No, no, we NEED that, what are you doing?!”

Before I left the house today I just threw a bunch of pills in my face and chased them with a bucket of coffee. Screw it, it’s bound to fix something.

My soulmate fills me with warmth and hope.

For a moment I thought, “I miss having a spouse-like device to make me coffee on lazy Sundays.”

But then I remembered my coffeemaker can be programmed to start automatically, so I’m going to marry it. 

Registry information to come. 💕☕️💍

Dispatches from the department of dubious sexual metaphors…

Dear Coffee,

It’s OK. I forgive you for hopping out of your cup and onto BOTH the white shirts I’m wearing today, first thing in the morning so I have to walk around all day with three faint splotches of coffee on my chest.

I know you didn’t mean it. You’re just enthusiastic, and I love that about you. I wish more things were that eager to get inside me.

Though, for future reference, you don’t have to do it on my chest. I will happily swallow you, then beg for more. But if that’s what you need, you do you, my love.

All is forgiven, for you are my one true savior.

Love,
Smug

Craigslist’s new “submissive connections” section

Entirety of first message from a man on OkCupid: “Hi, chat? Submissive?”

A few things:

1. Isn’t it nice how he puts in that bit about chatting before so deftly and subtly segueing into “submissive?” THAT’s how you treat a lady, gents.

2. The timestamp on the message is 5:50 a.m. I’m not submitting to anything at 5:50 in the goddamn morning except more sleep. Clearly our schedules wouldn’t mesh.

Sub-question (pun not intended, but stood by): Really? Dominating is on your mind at 5:50 a.m.? Let me get some coffee before we discuss safe words.

3. This is a shame, because I don’t know if I’m submissive because I like it, or because I’m lazy and unimaginative, but yeah, generally, I will be quite pleased to do any naughty little thing you tell me to and then beg you for more. But if that’s the FIRST thing you need to know, I’m probably not submissive enough for you.

Alas, good sir. Despite your enticing offer, this does not seem to be our time. Best of luck to you.

Thanks in advance for my multiple orgasms.

Dear David at the Barnes & Noble Café in Plymouth Meeting, PA,

I hadn’t been planning to masturbate tonight, but upon sight of you, now I realize I must. Thank you for your inspiration. You are my clitoral muse.

Best,
The Blushing Woman/Cold Brew & Scone

P.S. Couldn’t help but notice your finger didn’t have a ring on it. Those are my second favorite kinds of fingers. Give me a call, I’ll show you how we make ’em my first favorite.

EDIT: Goddammit! What a tragic waste of being asked, “Room for cream?”!

I’m not laid-back…unless you lay me back. Hey-o!

A man sent me an intro message on OkCupid that said, “I can tell from your profile that you’re very laid back, which I like in a woman.”

Um… no, I’m totally not.

The insanely thorough profile doesn’t really scream “Cool Girl,” does it? How’d you arrive at that? Show your work.

Also, when you say you like “laid-back” women, I’m reading that you like women who won’t bug you too much, because “BITCHES, man, amirite?”

NOPE. I don’t care about things some men seem to assume all women do. I won’t try to make you watch The Notebook or come to my yoga class or go shopping with me. (I’d actually prefer you didn’t.) But you’ll definitely know when something’s important to me. An ex of mine said I “hint with a hammer” — subtlety isn’t really my deal.

I also drink too much coffee and take a crack-based drug for ADD, so I’m almost always jittery. Plus I have massive trust issues, and assume fight stance quick when I think someone’s testing them — my brain basically turns into River Tam toward the end of Serenity, beating the shit out of the Reavers.

I am high-the-fuck-strung, sir.

Again, George Carlin says it better: “I’m not ‘laid-back,’ and I’m certainly not ‘mellow.’ I associate those qualities with the comatose. The solar system wasn’t formed because matter was laid-back; life didn’t arise from the oceans and humans descend from the trees because DNA was mellow. It happened because of something called ENERGY.”

You get NO stars, dickhole.

I haven’t even finished my coffee and already today has been rife with odd coincidences. Mostly fun, but one especially unwelcome…

Remember that time an acquaintance stole one of my (very innocent) Facebook photos and used it as his profile photo on a fairly gross porn site?

Um, yeah, this morning I got an email that he’d accepted my invitation to be friends on Yelp. I cannot tell you the last time I even used Yelp, let alone friend requested this asshole, but best believe that shit just got shut down.