No, thanks, I only eat air and cognitive dissonance.

My family, over the course of one 4-hour gathering: “Look how fat Aunt So-and-So got. And her husband’s no better, he’s about to keel over any day, he’s so big … Look at that woman on TV, she’s too heavy to be wearing that dress … Have you ever seen that show, My 600-Pound Life? So disgusting, I’d just stop feeding them all that junk if I were their caregiver … Hey, Smug, do you want some kielbasa or some cheesecake?”

Ummmmm… CHRIST the fuck, no. My surprise that I made it through life without an eating disorder is oddly filling.

You’d probably forget your towel.

Honest breakup reasons…

“Because you’re 42, and I don’t understand how you’re still so juvenile (not in a good way) when 42 is supposed to be the answer to life, the universe, and everything. I can’t abide that level of cognitive dissonance. I’m confused enough on my own.”