1. It’s not even a CLEVER rape-y poem.
2. Ladies, let us all encourage our youth to remember they are worth more than Natty Light. You hold out for Yuengling, girls. And also for men who don’t do shit like this.
(Is it clear I’m not making light of this but rather attempting humor so I don’t smash my computer at work in some sort of tiny white woman Hulk rage? OK, good.)
Via RawStory: 
Judge sets aside rape charges for probation so ex-athlete can enjoy ‘a college experience’“Oh, is this the one in Colorado I posted about a few weeks ago?”
Hm. No. OK.
Nope.
Right, then. An all-new installment:
“He can now look forward to a productive life without being burdened with the stigma of having to register as a sex offender,” said his attorney. “The goal of this sentence was not to impede this individual from graduating high school and to go onto the next step of his life, which is a college experience…We all made mistakes when we were 17, 18, 19 years old, and we shouldn’t be branded for life with a felony offense. Putting this kid in jail for two years would have destroyed this kid’s life.”
Oh, OK…*twitch* How nice for him…
Two women this time, by the way.
Via Huffington Post: No Prison For Colorado Student Who Raped ‘Helpless’ Freshman.
20 years’ probation because “we need to find out whether he can or cannot be rehabilitated?” Really? “Hey, listen, we’re gonna let this one slide, but we’re gonna need you to try super hard to not rape anyone else until 2036, ‘kay? Swearsies realsies?”
BTW, I know what they thought they were doing, but when you put “helpless” in quotation marks like that, it looks like you’re implying she was allegedly helpless. Also, “He raped her as she drifted out of consciousness and lied about what he had done.” That sounds like she lied while he raped her. Write a goddamn sentence, would you?
And oh…OH!…”Wilkerson’s friends and family said the crime was a ‘traumatic incident’ for him. They asked the judge to consider Wilkerson’s future, and said he ‘will go far in this world if not defined by this one incident.’ … Wilkerson admitted to investigators he’d made advances to the victim that night, ‘but that she rebuffed him each time, and that he felt ‘pissed off’ and called her a ‘fucking bitch.’ Wilkerson told the jury…their sexual activity was consensual.”
No, see…rebuffing you each time? IS NOT CONSENT, YOU ENTITLED DICKHEAD SHITHEEL FUCKFACE. That’s what’s known as an OPPOSITE — by, like, A LOT.
And oh, no, the rapist would have to worry about his special wittle future? Did sexually violating a half-conscious woman give him teh sadz? Boo hoo hoo, I could just cry.
Meanwhile, I’m sure his victim’s future will be — to quote Patton Oswalt — “a sheetcake made of victory and talking owls.”
Fucking fuck fuckity fuckery fuck.
See also: Fuck.
I know it’s Wednesday, but I’ll have more pressing things to think about tomorrow. So here’s a little pseudo-#TBT to celebrate me accomplishing a goal I set LAST New Year’s. It’s one I never thought I’d be strong enough to accomplish: taking the space I needed, identifying unhealthy (read: masochistic) behavior, and realizing that even in a friendship, I’m worthy of effort, especially in a friendship that would’ve required effort to survive.
Since I’ve been forced to think about my “accomplishments” over this past year, let’s hear it for progress. And in the new year, let it continue, along with my other accomplishments/goals.
Let’s do this, Year.
Yup. This. 
There are a million other things you could joke about. Going after his weight is just lazy. It’s the easy joke when you can’t think of anything intelligent to say, like when I talk shit on the Mets like I know dick about baseball.
And fuck everyone who makes me defend this motherfucker, by the way. It’s like that time I had to write about the dipshits who criticized Snooki’s body “post-baby.” C’mon, man. That’s not the way I prefer to feel dirty.
~
“And this offends you as a Jewish person?”
“No, it offends me as a comedian!”
— Seinfeld
From Jessica Valenti: Why is it easier to invent anti-rape nail polish than find a way to stop rapists?
I get what she’s saying, really. I agree, we should find a way to stop rapists. Absolutely. Let’s do exactly that.
However, WHILE we’re working on that incredibly complex problem, whatever makes one guy re-think drugging a woman’s drink, or prevents ONE woman from ingesting the drugs, or gets us recognizing sexual assault as an issue and educating each other, I’m on board. Will this stop all rape? No. Don’t be ridiculous, it’s nail polish. But if it prevents ONE? Or even if it just sparks another conversation or bit of awareness (which it has)? Worth it.
I absolutely see why people are pissed about it, though, how it makes it the woman’s responsibility, and in the WORST fucking way, too. One of the headlines I read: “Look Great and Stay Safe with ‘Date Rape’-Detecting Nail Polish.” (Not a joke. “Date rape” really was in quote marks like it’s not a thing.) 
And the first line of another ABC article was “Pretty nails may be the newest way to foil date rape.” I understand that that’s a problem, truly. That is, in scientific terms, some bullshit.
But the polish itself? Good on you, NC State students. You kids today with your science. The USA Today article I read said “55% of about 1,570 colleges and universities with more than 1,000 students received at least one report of forcible sex offense on campus in 2012. From 2010 to 2012 there were 14 forcible sex offenses reported on NC State’s campus.” If that number drops even a little as a result of this, then I’m calling it a success. Should we be doing more? Certainly. So let’s DO more, but don’t dismiss a few industrious college kids for trying.
Smug Singleton 