Improving my health one shiny trinket at a time.

“So, Smug, what finally got you off your lazy ass to start working out again? Was it all that free time while you were unemployed? Was it multiple healthcare professionals telling you regular exercise could help you feel less depressed and foggy and gross? Perhaps the fact that all your pants are uncomfortably tight because your thighs look like those big fuckoff turkey legs at Renaissance Faires?”

“Naw. They etched a mythical creature into a piece of shitty fake metal.”

“One of the 24 similarities between girls and fish is that they’re both attracted to shiny objects.”
— Barney Stinson

Supporting the Arts. With Nudity!

So I went to a sex shop last night. Like ya do.

And I think I figured out what I want for my next birthday. And how I want to decorate my apartment.

Image

This is amazing. It’s like a Color Run. But instead of running, you get to roll around naked, which is just SO MUCH BETTER than running! You’re naked, and you throw paint on each other, and you tussle around on this blank canvas, and then it’s ART.

Fuck you, Degas — your silly little dancers totally should have done this.

Da Vinci, you bush-league bastard! Why didn’t YOU think of this?! Mona Lisa would have had a WAY bigger smile!

If you guys get this for me, and then also bring me a playmate (Wait! Make that an “artistic collaborator!”), I’ll SHOW you “Expressionism.” My birthday is in a couple of months. Make it so!