It’s an almost impressively bold choice to be a man seeking a woman on a dating site and still list Bill Cosby among the favorite comedians in your profile.
No, “That Guy” and “Unfunny Ginger Comedian” are NOT among the “people I may know” on your site. They ARE among the “people I’ve slept with.” Maybe start a separate suggestion list? But hey, thanks for making me consider all THAT again in the span of 5 minutes.
At least That Guy and I COULD have been friends if things hadn’t gone all stupid. But “learning experience” be damned, the comedian was just an almost impressively bad life choice. The only memorable things about that “relationship” were learning:
A. That it’s possible for a man to appear bored while I’m naked and riding him. (I HOPE I can chalk that up to his seemingly rampant control issues, but maybe I’m just bad at being on top.)
B. About orgasm denial via his goddamn Jedi mastery of the Hitachi Magic Wand.*
No, really. Thanks a pantload, Facebook.
* I have no idea what kind of dark sorcery y’all summon to determine when we’re on the verge of orgasm, but damn. I salute you. You’re doing God’s work.
Quotable Gary Gulman:
“To me, the phone is just this seldom-used app on my phone. And if you use it on me, I am fucking furious. How dare you? You call me unprovoked, out of the blue?
“Text me first to see if I’m even accepting phone calls today! And I will text you back with a window.
“It’s crazy that we even call the iPhone a phone. Calling it a phone is like calling a Lexus a cupholder.”
After I saw this, I tried watching Jeselnik’s whole special on Netflix. I made it through 5 minutes and turned it off because I just didn’t find it funny.
But I did enjoy this particular bit. From the fetal position under my desk. Weeping for humanity. Again.
“I’m rockin’ this diet… until I got upset about something and realized that fruit doesn’t cure sad. Cookies release endorphins that make you feel better. Kiwis remind you that nothing ever works out. It’s a dick of a fruit.”
I don’t have depression, but once in a while I need a day or two (or, um, five…) of doing nothing and not talking to anyone, and yep, it usually ends up with me wearing my bathrobe and watching some show I’ve seen several times before. This year it’s been Scandal. I’m on my third run through the series. I did this over the weekend, and it was glorious, and it reminded me of this bit: “Oh, depression. This is the best day you’ve ever had.”
The video came from this article, which links to many more quality comedic gems from Oswalt and others.