My parents give me grief about being “educated” but using profanity, asking if that’s “the best I can do,” and “can’t I find a better way to express myself.”
Well, first off, fuck you.
But also? I’m a writer/editor, like, for money, so accurate use of language is kinda my thing. And there is no more accurate language for the world we’re currently inhabiting than a constant blue streak of every swear word I know, and likely some I don’t. I’m grateful I found Archer, because I don’t know how people CAN express their feelings effectively without saying things like “son of a shit-snackin’ whore.” SO glad I learned that one!
Plus, I’m sorry, WHO let me have the George Carlin and Denis Leary albums at age 12? Pfft. This is on y’all.
No, “That Guy” and “Unfunny Ginger Comedian” are NOT among the “people I may know” on your site. They ARE among the “people I’ve slept with.” Maybe start a separate suggestion list? But hey, thanks for making me consider all THAT again in the span of 5 minutes.
At least That Guy and I COULD have been friends if things hadn’t gone all stupid. But “learning experience” be damned, the comedian was just an almost impressively bad life choice. The only memorable things about that “relationship” were learning:
A. That it’s possible for a man to appear bored while I’m naked and riding him. (I HOPE I can chalk that up to his seemingly rampant control issues, but maybe I’m just bad at being on top.)
B. About orgasm denial via his goddamn Jedi mastery of the Hitachi Magic Wand.*
No, really. Thanks a pantload, Facebook.
* I have no idea what kind of dark sorcery y’all summon to determine when we’re on the verge of orgasm, but damn. I salute you. You’re doing God’s work.
“I’m rockin’ this diet… until I got upset about something and realized that fruit doesn’t cure sad. Cookies release endorphins that make you feel better. Kiwis remind you that nothing ever works out. It’s a dick of a fruit.”
I don’t have depression, but once in a while I need a day or two (or, um, five…) of doing nothing and not talking to anyone, and yep, it usually ends up with me wearing my bathrobe and watching some show I’ve seen several times before. This year it’s been Scandal. I’m on my third run through the series. I did this over the weekend, and it was glorious, and it reminded me of this bit: “Oh, depression. This is the best day you’ve ever had.”
The video came from this article, which links to many more quality comedic gems from Oswalt and others.