Prematurely ejaculating my anxiety.

I met a guy last weekend, and IN MY HEAD, we’ve already been dating (and sleeping together — frequently) for a week.

So…I guess I should probably, like…SAY something to him ever.

He’s a friend of a friend. I’ve ascertained that he’s single and straight. And when I asked, my friend said she’d been hoping I would because she “thought it’d be a good match.” 

Now I just need to figure out what the hell is going on in MY head to make sure I don’t end up being totally weird to a friend of a friend…again. Last time this happened, I slept with the dude way too soon, then realized we had nothing in common and ended up pulling The Fadeaway on him.

I’ve spent so much time “not being ready” that I don’t know if I AM ready, or if it’s just my vagina that’s ready, all, “SINGLE DICK AHOY!”

*deep breath*

SO. My next therapy appointment isn’t until NEXT week, eh? Mm’kay. That…that’s fine…

Tantrum!

Email to friends:

“Do we remember the friend of my brother’s I ‘dated’ more than a year ago? The one who left my birthday gift at my door while I wasn’t home 6 months later because after we ‘broke up’ I kept avoiding seeing him to get it?

“He just texted me a Wonder Woman thing, and I figured the unknown number was a Facebook friend (which he isn’t) who’d seen the Wonder Woman thing I just posted. I responded asking who it was and he said, ‘It’s Ben, but thanks for losing my number…again…lol,’ (I’d deleted it before and we had the same discussion), and then, ‘We have to catch up sometime.’

“Christ, I thought *I* couldn’t take a hint. At least when someone used ME for sex and then stopped talking to me, I went AWAY.  

“This is why I refuse to date any more family friends. Catch up on what? We were never friends. We didn’t have conversations, we had sex, and I don’t feel the need to catch up on that.

“How do I always end up picking the guys who aren’t just happy to get their dick wet a few times and move on?

“To save you the time typing your (much appreciated) advice, I already blocked his number.”

Look, I know, I’m a coward and an asshole. I should be honest, but I really don’t know how other than the ‘I can’t date you anymore’ conversation we already had, and he reminds me of a time in my life I’m working really hard to get past. 

Do you know why we’re no longer sleeping together, sir? I couldn’t get it up for you anymore because we didn’t have good conversations. The only thing we had in common was binge eating, and during the month we hung out, you disrespected the only, like, TWO boundaries I have. We didn’t start as friends, and I can’t BE friends with someone whose only redeeming quality is being good at oral sex. Don’t get me wrong, that’s a fantastic skill — I will endorse you for it on OKCupid or whatever. But we can’t go get coffee like we’re long-lost besties.

(Again, I know. I’m a dick. In my defense, I told him up front I had issues, and he thought it was all quirky and cute and Deschanel. No, it’s bitchy and irrational. Fine line.)

Weight a minute…

It was probably intended as flattery, or dude is just bad with dimensions, but in the course of normal conversation last night, a guy asked me, “How much could you possibly weigh, like 110?”

Oh.

Oh, honey.

Hair and breasts alone, you can’t possibly believe that.

I’m not complaining about my weight, I’m adorable. But I’m not 110.

Wait ’til you witness the reverb when you spank my ass, sir — adjust your numbers and report back.

Quotable conversational risk

“We need people in our lives with whom we can be as open as possible. To have real conversations with people may seem like such a simple, obvious suggestion, but it involves courage and risk.”
— Thomas Moore

Thanks to everyone in my life who makes the risk worth it.

Um… Is that why it’s “organic?”

The entirety of my text conversation with a friend:

Friend: “It’s so wrong that my kid’s bath soap looks like a fresh batch of come…ewww.”
Me: “Eeeewwww. But ha. :)”
Friend: “I knew you’d understand.”

My friendships are…different, aren’t they?

Follow-up thought: At least it was a fresh batch?

Oh, shit’s about to get real.

I know I should calm down before I speak. And yet…

Friends with (Blogging) Benefits

Quotable me, when asked about the friend conversations that end up on the blog: “My friends are brilliant, so they inspire great discourse. I merely have the privilege of being Team Scribe.”

Healthcare: The Singleton Payer Option

Conversation with a girlfriend…

Friend: “Did you see a doctor?”

Me: “Yeah, because you see those commercials now where some earnest, well-intentioned woman is all, ‘Hey, is your shit different? You might be dying! Of the lady cancers!'”

Friend: “Well, If your SHIT is different, that’s really never optimal.”

Me: “Yeah, I’m not checking THAT. Whatever that is, if it happens, I’ll just die from it. But my ladybits are good, the doctor told me.”