Sir Mix-a-Lot didn’t sanction this.

*blink*

 

What the fruit-scented fuck is this?

Soulmakeup

This is the most excited I’ve ever been by Bumble.

Spackle your feelings with face cream!

Friend: “Do you ever buy new skincare and get super excited to try it, because just maybe it will fix your skin and all your problems?

“I went to Sephora today.”

Me: “Pretty much every time. I’m actually excited FOR you.”

Friend: “I got a sample of this and I’m very excited to try it. [preview ink]”

Me: “Holy shit, I didn’t even click it yet, but fucking TIGER GRASS. NICE.”

‘What IS it?’

‘Fuck if I know, put it on my FACE.’”

Friend: “EXACTLY. It’s the grass of the tiger, it’s the thrill of the fight…”

Me: “‘It’s only $18! I need it!’

‘Our skin doesn’t even GET red.’

‘SILENCE! I need it!’”

What about “blow-me”-friendly makeup?

*cough* blow me *cough*

No, really. These are things we can buy.

Obviously you’ll also need the $34 brush to apply it — you can’t just throw it on your fat face like a goddamn animal. So a “slenderized” face can be yours for the bargain price of $58!

The Elusive Self-Esteem Boost and a Therapeutic Three-fer

If you’ve never had a day where you look in the mirror and think, “GodDAMN, I look good,” I highly recommend it.

Spring and summer clothes and weather really are my wheelhouse. I’ll also be buying more of this new makeup (aptly made by Tarte) and thanking the gods of hair for blessing my rolled-outta-bed coif today.

Sometimes a plan just comes together, and today it did, in the form of my unplanned FINE ass.

“Give it up, boys and girls. Admit it. I look GOOD!” (Don’t judge me, Bette is my jam.)

P.S. I went to therapy tonight, and one of the first things she said to me, unprompted, was, “You look wonderful!” So there you go, y’all — my cuteness is verified by a licensed professional. (My brain went full Cady-Heron-in-the-black-dress: “I KNOW, right?!”)

P.P.S. Tonight’s agenda: Therapy, takeout food, and Scandal. So basically a therapeutic three-fer.

I’d never pay that much for an orgasm

One of my other goals this year is “Get my money right,” because I’m SUPER tired of being broke, so I’m trying to trim expenses where I can.

I’m on the Sephora site getting my face wash (which is pricey, but pleases me daily, and lasts forever, and gets supplemented with cheaper products, and it is my FACE, and I’m aging fairly well, so don’t judge me, whippersnappers)…*deep breath* Ahem.

So I was also going to buy my blush, because it’s running out, too.

Um, yeah, NARS Orgasm blush is 30 goddamn dollars. Nooope. I could swear last time I bought it, it was $22 — still not cheap, but not $30.

Christ, I’ll just give myself an actual orgasm every day before work. Or, you know…I could go get some $3 blush at Target. Whichever…

P.S. With my purchase, I got a bunch of fancy samples, so now I also have new moisturizer and lipstick, so I don’t have to buy those, so really, this purchase is a budget win. [/rationalization]

“If I get all down on paper…”

“2 a.m. and I’m still awake writing a song,
If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I’m naked in front of the crowd,
‘Cause these words are my diary screaming out loud,
And I know that you’ll use them however you want to.”

Anna Nalick​.

TONIGHT.

SO.

EXCITED.

I’m gonna need more eye makeup. (Or, um, ANY eye makeup, because I usually don’t bother — that’s some shit the Real Women do.)

I makeup.

Whenever I make an effort and put on eye makeup, I find myself getting distracted when I look in mirrors throughout the day, because, “Whoa, whose eyes are THEY? I look amazing.”

Yet I don’t wear it every day. Not at ALL because I’m lazy, merely because I fear the world just can’t handle it.

YOU’RE WELCOME.

Sex on my face

I got an email from Ulta, and one of the featured products is called “Better than Sex” mascara.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve had some terrible sex, and I’ve had some great mascara. But the sex has always been at least marginally superior, even if only because someone bought me food first. 

I considered that mascara has helped me GET sex by making me prettier, but I don’t think that’s true. Lipstick, maybe, but I’m fairly certain no man has ever looked at any woman’s eyelashes and decided not to fuck her. (“Dude, she’s SO hot. Those hips, that hair, that rack… But nah, I’m not going to go talk to her. Did you see her eyelashes?! Bitch, please.”) But hey, maybe I’m underestimating y’all as a gender. Maybe a plump set of…lashes really does it for you. 

However, I’m nothing if not thorough, so just as Nars Orgasm blush changed my life, I’ll clearly have to try this mascara. For, um, research. FOR SCIENCE.