There goes my conscientious objection to buying women’s magazines

Girl, get it. GET IT.

Though… Fuck me, now I have to buy Cosmopolitan.

Ashley Graham: “I’m Giving Curvy Women a Seat at the Table”

The Landmark Case of Penis v. Doughnut

Texting with a friend in California:

Friend: “The guy who owns the doughnut shop by my house looks a bit like Shaun T.”
Me: “Right, then. So I’ll hop a plane out there first thing tomorrow?”
Friend: “He sells Fruity Pebbles doughnut, too.”
Me: “What?! SHIT. I need that in my face. (I’ll leave it up to you whether I’m referring to the man or the doughnut. I haven’t quite decided myself.)”
Friend: “Both?”
Me: “I think it’d have to be, yeah. Man first, though — I’m gluttonous, not stupid.”
Friend: “You could try the infamous Cosmo suggestion of a doughnut on a penis.”
Me: “I was thinking that, but didn’t want to be weird.”

I’m all about supporting small, local businesses any way I can, you guys.

Her axle is decidedly not draggin’.

DAMN, girl!

Three things:

1. Looks like I’ll have to go buy Cosmo for the first time in 100 years.

2. I love how the cover encourages women to “UP YOUR CASH FLOW”…right next to her boobs.

3. I can’t WAIT to get my new 2016 ass. I really hope it arrives in time for New Year’s.

Via E! Online: Miranda Lambert Still Figuring Out “What Happened” During Her Marriage to Blake Shelton That Led to Divorce

Rebel Wilson’s “relevant and dope” new fashion line

Via Cosmopolitan: Rebel Wilson’s New Fashion Line Is Here — and It’s Amazing

I actually don’t get the appeal of Rebel Wilson as an actor. I don’t think she’s as funny as everyone else seems to think she is.

BUT.

This line really is cute. I felt bad that I didn’t like a lot of the stuff Melissa McCarthy made, and it was SO cost-prohibitive. (You know you’re fucked when something’s at Nordstrom.) But Torrid? I might be able to hang with Torrid. And OMG, the model is the CUTEST.

Full disclosure: Depending on the week, I am one or two sizes away from “plus size,” and don’t believe it should be a thing. Clothes should just come in sizes. But I love seeing more options being made available, especially cute, affordable ones with adorable models.

Yay, women! And also nipples!

I took a bit of a…vacation. We’ll call it a vacation.

And I was waiting for just the right time to come back to blogging, and lo, the Universe bestowed upon me this priceless bit of ad placement in a “Cosmopolitan” article titled “The 20 Best Moments for Women in 2014.”

Yay, women! And also nipples!

Deep Throat Thoughts

Via Cosmo and the ever-brilliant Anna Breslaw: 14 Things the Average Woman Thinks While Giving a Blowjob

My thoughts are usually (in no particular order):
1. “Am I doing OK? Is this working for him?”
2. “Ooh. He made a happy noise. Keep doing what made that happen.”
3. “Look how happy he is! For the honor of Grayskull, I have the POWER!”
4. “I hope he believes in reciprocity.”
5. “Ugh, would it be totally unsexy to put my hair in a ponytail so it stops going in my mouth? Yes, it would. Goddammit.”
6. “Gahhhhh, ow, fucking carpal tunnel!”
7. In the style of Larry Kubiak: “Sex now?”

What…the fuck?