I’m having feelings. I don’t care for it.

Y’all, I may be dead inside and stuck in heinous rush hour traffic, but even *I* can’t keep this dipshit look off my face listenting to Michelle Obama recount her early courtship with Barack. JESUS, people, I’m not made of wood. This shit is cuter than a Hallmark movie about kittens wearing tiny sweaters. COME ON. #IAMBECOMING

Adjust your dress, your cynicism is showing.

I’d like to thank our nation’s veterans for fighting for our freedom to whinge self-righteously online about a non-news coffee cup “story” while we jerk off in SWEET bachelor pads in our parents’ basements.

What?

Is that not why they’re fighting?