“My 600-lb. Lady Gut”

I felt OK about these workout pants when I bought them, but for some reason today I feel like I should wear them while on my own reality show called “My 600 Pound Lady Gut,” so… Yeah, good times! Let’s go to dance class and watch it all jiggle rhythmically!

P.S. I’m QUITE sure my salt & vinegar potato chip lunch and probable dehydration have nothing to do with this. Shut up.

Self-care

How to Care for Your Smug, page 17, section 6:

“In the event of a bad workday, allow your Smug to Ugly Cry alone, because she is emotionally stunted and can’t cry in front of people.

“When she calms down, apply one steak burrito with extra dairy products, and an order of Wendy’s fries with barbecue sauce. Repeat as needed.

“If possible, sit your Smug down in front of any Shonda Rhimes show (new or old) with any vodka-based beverage(s). This is her cognitive behavioral therapy. (See also: “Dance it out.”)

“Put Tipsy Smug to bed immediately with a George Carlin audiobook playing.”