This is madness, but…dicks…

OkCupid disabled the feature where you can see who’s viewed your profile.

At first I was pissed, because hey, dude looks at me, I go look at dude (or vice versa), maybe we start a conversation.

But now I have to just, like… TALK to them if I want them to see me?! Fuck that, that’s madness.

HOWEVER. For the dudes who have photos of their fine-ass half-dressed bodies as profile pics, now I can check out their junk and not have to worry about them messaging me all, “Hey, I noticed you checked out my junk.”

So… There’s that. Junk ahoy, y’all!

I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggonnit…

Texting a friend about therapy:

Me: “We ended up talking about why I don’t consider myself ‘beautiful.’ She showed me a fucking Dove commercial. I’m never going back. (Kidding.)”

Friend: “No one should be forced to watch a Dove commercial.”

And by the way? I don’t consider myself beautiful, and I don’t see a problem with that, so fuck right off, Dove. But I am a middle-age American woman who mostly thinks I’m cute, sometimes pretty, so I do think I’m a goddamn miracle.

Besides, “beautiful” doesn’t even crack the top 100 on my list of issues. When I think about my last pseudo-breakup, my appearance isn’t what keeps my brain spiraling. He once got hard while we were taking a walk because I made a JOKE about wearing high heels during sex — it’s easy enough to believe he found me attractive. So can we focus on this weird haze I get into where I think I’m not smart or interesting enough to keep a dude around AFTER we have sex, even as a friend? That seems to be the dominating self-esteem weirdness here.

I’m glad you like your women sick, ’cause I just threw up a little…

Woke up to this first OkCupid message, so if you need me, I’ll be taking 47 boiling hot showers trying to get the douche off me.

And then, apparently, joining ALLLLLL the gyms.

Not tonight, Pervy McGee.

First OkCupid message:


I actually don’t think a man ever has reacted my voice. I’m sure they’ve reacted to things I’ve said, but that’s because I’m a wanton harlot, not because of my voice.

Again, though, thanks for the heads up about your mini-fetish. As someone who is also aurally fixated, I respect it. But you’re creepy about it, and you used emojis, and…no.

This feels like I’m being catfished by some pervy Ursula.

Dammit. There goes my soulmate…

I saw this in a man’s OkCupid profile, and… Is this a big enough issue for men that y’all need to disclaim it away up front?


Are there women out there all, “Get you a man who’s been in a gang/jail and has no job?”

But hey, good on you, sir — establishing your boundaries and managing my expectations. Ahem…I guess…