“Diamonds are a girl’s best…wait, is that cake?”

I’m listening to Michelle Obama’s audiobook, and she’s describing how Barack proposed to her in a restaurant. The server brought the dessert plate and lifted the fancy lid, and there was “a dark velvet box where the chocolate cake was supposed to be.”

And, OK, fine — yay, congrats, mazel, etc.

But also, um… You’re still gonna bring my cake, right? It’s just backstage somewhere?

I feel like she really glossed over the important part.

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Commercial voiceover: “Show her your love is all around her with the Circle of Love diamond necklace from Helzberg Diamonds.”

A couple of things:

1. Rather than Helzberg, I want a Heisenberg diamond. It’d be blue and pure and fucking bad-ass. Bitch.

2. I can’t even begin to enumerate the diamond-free ways I’ve known love was all around me. In fact, whenever I’ve received diamonds as gifts, though they’re beautiful and appreciated, they’ve usually been accompanied by a handwritten card that was way better than any piece of jewelry. Love has never once been proven to me by a diamond; it’s proven by action. Now, ideally, you’re proving it by action daily, so diamonds are just a sparkly bonus. But don’t refer to buying some bullshit chain-store diamond as “showing your love.”

P.S. Attention, men: We already know I’m a weirdo. Buy your girl diamonds, she’ll love them. I just hate stores that spin it that way.