This is madness, but…dicks…

OkCupid disabled the feature where you can see who’s viewed your profile.

At first I was pissed, because hey, dude looks at me, I go look at dude (or vice versa), maybe we start a conversation.

But now I have to just, like… TALK to them if I want them to see me?! Fuck that, that’s madness.

HOWEVER. For the dudes who have photos of their fine-ass half-dressed bodies as profile pics, now I can check out their junk and not have to worry about them messaging me all, “Hey, I noticed you checked out my junk.”

So… There’s that. Junk ahoy, y’all!

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Too well-hung for me to hang

OkCupid shows you who’s looked at your profile. A 24-year-old dude just looked at mine, and his profile photo is of his hand holding his naked, sizable, penis. 

Not really sure what it says about me that I’m less offended by unsolicited naked dick than I am by the dirt under his fingernails or the mess in the room behind him.

I alternate thinking he’s ruined a delightful discovery the first time I unzip his pants and unfurl this thing, vs. really appreciating the advance notice about a cock that might actually break me in half.

“Too big! Your dick doesn’t end! Why doesn’t your dick end?”

Three-fer: Admittedly snap judgments of an OkCupid guy

I’d been talking to this guy on OkCupid, and should’ve known he was a douche when his intro message boasted that his profile was “well-crafted.” Um, yeah, his profile says he’s looking to meet the “girls of my dreams.” I asked about it, and he said it was originally a typo, but he decided to leave it. OK, whatever. I’m not looking to be the girl of anyone’s dreams right now, anyway — let’s roll those dice.

We’re chatting, maybe 10 messages back and forth total, and he asks if there’s anything I want him to know about me. I write three arbitrary things right before I go to sleep, including: “I firmly believe all CVS drive-thrus should also serve fries.” (Come the hell on, that’d be great.)

This morning I wake up to two messages. In them are three questions, which I will answer for you guys, but got him immediately deleted and blocked. I almost replied, “Yeah, we’re done here,” but decided against it. In hindsight, I wish I’d sent the message to smarter friends who could’ve written back and made him cry.

So here are the offending questions. (And hey, this is just my offense. If you’re intrigued, comment or send a message — I’ll tell you his username and you can grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly.)

1. “Do you go to CVS or McDonald’s often enough that that’s an issue?”
Uhh… yeah. I go to CVS once a month. CVS provides the lovely drugs that keep me:
A) a functional human;
B) focused;
C) not riddled with heinous allergies; and
D) most relevant to you, NOT PREGNANT.

Also, McDonald’s fries aren’t my favorite, but once a month, at a particular time, I will cut you for Wendy’s fries and a Frosty, or an anytime Egg McMuffin, a societal evolution I regard as the Lord personally answering my lifelong prayer. If my occasional fast food habit is an issue, this isn’t going to work. If you offer me fucking kale during my period, you WILL get murdered with a stick.

2. “Why do guys send dick pics to women? I have to assume it’s appealing to some women, but I don’t get it. I’d love to see photos of your boobs, ass, and curves, but I really don’t want to see a photo of anyone’s vagina.”
AHEM. Well, first of all, my vagina is a goddamn work of art. (Kidding. I haven’t looked at the area in years beyond lawn maintenance. It could be the Batcave for all I know.) Vagina pics aren’t my thing, but I know some people who dig them. And if a guy I liked asked for one, and had previously earned access to the region, I would accommodate. I’d probably put makeup on it first, and obsess about its best side, but I’d do it.

But also… I enjoy dick pics, with an important caveat: I have to AGREE to them. I don’t just want to see rogue dick, all superfluous and out of its natural habitat. However, I will happily behold the penis of a literate man who’s said nice things to me and had dinner with me and maybe we’ve made out a little. I’d rather see it in person and THEN a photo, but in a proper setting, I don’t mind seeing the dick that awaits me, and how I’m affecting it.

Plus, not all men do that, and it’s — if I may — a dick move to generalize.

3. “Why do women have photos in their profiles where they’re standing next to other women? Often women who are better looking??? It doesn’t make sense!”
Well. To start, your triple question marks are an assault against God and humanity.

And again, not all women. For a split second I thought he was talking about me, but I don’t do that because my friends are, in fact, cuter than I am. Plus I’d feel weird putting photos of them on a dating site. My photos are of ME: “This is my face, this is my [clothed] body. Can you deal with my Worf wrinkle and my extra 20 lbs? Excellent. Proceed.”

Also, I’ve seen plenty of men do that, too, and I hate it. Not because the other men are better looking (though I’ve definitely wondered, “Who’s your friend?”), but because I don’t want to scroll through a bunch of photos trying to ascertain which guy is you. Your main pic, at least, should be just you.

In addition, “better looking” is relative. Maybe the person looking at that photo thinks the friend is a total bridge troll, and the man/woman in the OKC profile is his/her ideal.

And, again, just as a blanket “fuck you,” I can’t abide generalizing women OR men. I can generalize YOU, though. And you’re a jag.