No, really… I am a grown woman.

[Beavis snicker]

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Yep. A WHOLE bag.

OK, listen, I KNOW there are colder places than Philly, but it’s fucking colder than it goddamn should be and we still have to go outside and that is horseshit and I am crabby and winter can eat a bag of dicks.

*deep breath*

Carry on.

Sit and spin. 

Sometimes my brain is an asshole and tells me awful things, so the therapist has been encouraging me to “reframe” my perspective to something more positive.

To that end, I am NOT single because I am “boring,” or “stupid,” or “undesirable.”

I am merely on Dick Sabbatical. *nod* Sounds scholarly, right? Like I’d been researching dick so zealously for such a long time that one day I went to the board and I was just like, “Naw, man, I need a break — I have cock fatigue.”

#PhDick

A fine day for texting at Smug HQ

The Cute Dog Guy from OkCupid DID in fact send me a series of adorable dog (not dong) pics, AND a video of a dog frolicking on the banks of a lake.

So of course I reported back to my Friends Focus Group…

Smug Singleton’s Patented Penis Predictions!

I’ve been messaging with the OkCupid guy with the cute dog. Yesterday he was taking the dog to meet another dog and make dog friends, and I demanded photos of this occasion. He messaged that he had taken some, and I sent him my number and told him to text them.

So what are we thinking — like, 50/50 one of the pics will be of his dick?

60/40, probably, right? Cloudy with a chance of cock?

A-OK DTF!

One more thing about these tests they’re doing…

I’m not WORRIED, but I AM happy they’re checking things out, because I only had sex twice with Guy I Dated For a Minute, and both times it hurt. Only for a second, only upon his first entry, and not enough that I had to stop, but it hurt.

And, not to be an asshole (well, maybe a little bit), but it wasn’t a size issue. I mean, it wasn’t SMALL, it was a very fine penile offering, but it wasn’t like, “Oh, shit, better brace myself.”

Obviously there are approximately 6 million perfectly logical non-serious-health-issue reasons it might have hurt, but it’ll be nice to have an all-clear on anything big.

P.S. Oh, and they HAVE cleared me! I got an email while I was writing this. One small ovarian cyst, which usually resolve on their own, but nothing else. Good work, body! (Also, no STIs or other plagues, so I am officially DTF.)