“We have to get up.”
“Why?”
“Because we LIKE the friends we’re seeing today!”
“They have plenty of people coming — who’d even notice?”
“There might be men there.”
“Eh. Dying alone is fine.”
“There’ll be a dog who likes to snuggle.”
😯 “WE RIDE!
On one hand, canceling plans IS my favorite. Very little in life is better — dogs, sure, but not much else.
On the other hand, meeting dudes at my friends’ huge parties has been the only successful route to nookie I’ve had in recent memory, and I’m kinda pissed I’m too sick to go prowlin’, because I am cute as fuck in Christmas garb.
Plus there’s definitely a dog there.
Fuck you and your betrayin’ ass, Body. This is NOT the bed I want to be in.🖕🏼
I was in a perfectly fine mood this morning after seeing many sweatered dogs at the farmers market. Dogs in sweaters are, like, bonus Paxil.
But then I spent 2 hours with my family, and got a few texts about work, and now I’m in bed with a blanket over my head and earplugs to block out any outside noise that may infiltrate my fragile senses.
Apparently even though the Pill stops my actual period, it doesn’t do much for PMS with a side of family and stress.
Anyone got any crack?
The Cute Dog Guy from OkCupid DID in fact send me a series of adorable dog (not dong) pics, AND a video of a dog frolicking on the banks of a lake.
So of course I reported back to my Friends Focus Group…
I’ve been messaging with the OkCupid guy with the cute dog. Yesterday he was taking the dog to meet another dog and make dog friends, and I demanded photos of this occasion. He messaged that he had taken some, and I sent him my number and told him to text them.
So what are we thinking — like, 50/50 one of the pics will be of his dick?
60/40, probably, right? Cloudy with a chance of cock?
I’m not saying I wouldn’t be talking to this OkCupid guy if he didn’t have an adorable black dog with blue eyes named Oliver who likes to snuggle.
But I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a factor.
Hey, would you guys mind if I objectified a man for like one second?
Didn’t think so.
DAY-UM.
In the interest of fairness, here are some reasons I haven’t clicked “pass” on OKCupid profiles:
— I smiled at one of his photos. (Not in a mocking way. Either his smile made me smile back, or he was doing something funny.)
— One guy said he had “a super-rad dog who likes to chase squirrels and give high-fives.” I want to high-five your dog! Immediately! (Which kinda sounds like a terrible metaphor for sex but it’s not.)
— He enjoys wordplay.
— He seems smarter than I am. I especially loiter on profiles of older college professor types. UNF. Wear tweed, sir. Be my Giles. (Not a professor, I know, but he had that vibe.) Bonus points for elbow patches.
— Similar cultural or food interests.
— Looks a little like Lewis Black, in a hot way.
— Stupidly nice arms. (AND he seemed nice otherwise. I’ve passed on hot guys who seemed…without. But OMG, dude, once we talk a bit and then meet, can I touch your arms? Can I nibble them? Sure, whatever, dinner and a movie — fine. As long as the evening features your arms around me.)
Smug Singleton 