The Not Ready For FaceTime Players

Now that a few days have passed and I’m sure there’s no more to this story…

The other day I looked at my phone and saw a missed FaceTime call from That Guy. I don’t use FaceTime, and he and I had never used it, so it was clearly just a misdial.

I’d always assumed it was customary to delete a woman’s number once she’d served her purpose, though I’d wager he’s deleted it now. I had deleted him as a contact a while back, oddly so I’d never call or text HIM accidentally, but I recognized the number.

And thank GOD I didn’t call him. Accident or no, and with apologies for my sexist generalization, a woman who did that would look like a goddamn psycho.

It’s probably not ideal that I embrace this double standard…

You guys, Waffles Guy is trying to cocktease me! We’re going out again tomorrow, and I’ve been flirting, but he’s all “We’ll see,” and “Time will tell.”

Oh! Oh, honey! That’s adorable! But…hm, how can I phrase this politely…?

I look like Tina Fey’s and Zooey Deschanel’s chubby love child. (I call it “Fey-schanel.”) I have big boobs and bigger daddy issues. I’m pretty sure I can catch a dick anytime I want.

That’s not bragging, because it would be the wrong dick — there’s no ego trip in knowing a random dude would shove himself into me halfheartedly in a townie bar’s restroom. But I believe it’s within my scope of feminine wiles if I were so inclined. (Even better, lemme take my cleavage to Comic-Con and quote “Firefly.” I’ll be married by the end of the day.)

Besides, I’m not hinting at SEX, Presumpty Dumpty. I would just enjoy some kissing. I’m actually terrified to have sex, because it’s been so long I’m worried I’ll be terrible at it, or freak out mentally. So I’m perfectly happy to put off intercourse, but it’s pretty important I know I turn you on, and that your hand gets in my panties pretty soon, ‘kay?

Good talk. I’d high-five you, but I shouldn’t be able to, because WHERE have we just decided your hands should be…?

Fun with double standards

I enjoy being a woman. Because I was just thinking, I’d be a little miffed if a guy texted me and said: “I know we were supposed to have a date tonight. But what do you say we just hang out at my place, you do naughty things to me, and then we can order pizza?”

Coming from a woman, though, I think that would make me a hero. Like Wonder Woman. But without that troublesome cockblocking panty.