I’m glad you like your women sick, ’cause I just threw up a little…

Woke up to this first OkCupid message, so if you need me, I’ll be taking 47 boiling hot showers trying to get the douche off me.

And then, apparently, joining ALLLLLL the gyms.

Fuck you, douche-bros

1. It’s not even a CLEVER rape-y poem.

2. Ladies, let us all encourage our youth to remember they are worth more than Natty Light. You hold out for Yuengling, girls. And also for men who don’t do shit like this.

(Is it clear I’m not making light of this but rather attempting humor so I don’t smash my computer at work in some sort of tiny white woman Hulk rage? OK, good.)

Creepy email inviting freshman co-eds to party prompts fliers on Penn campus: Students take stand to show support for incoming female students.
penn

Aw, boo hoo, poor rapist…

Via RawStory: Screen Shot 2016-08-23 at 12.01.00 PMJudge sets aside rape charges for probation so ex-athlete can enjoy ‘a college experience’“Oh, is this the one in Colorado I posted about a few weeks ago?”

Hm. No. OK.

That one from Stanford?”

Nope.

Right, then. An all-new installment:

“He can now look forward to a productive life without being burdened with the stigma of having to register as a sex offender,” said his attorney. “The goal of this sentence was not to impede this individual from graduating high school and to go onto the next step of his life, which is a college experience…We all made mistakes when we were 17, 18, 19 years old, and we shouldn’t be branded for life with a felony offense. Putting this kid in jail for two years would have destroyed this kid’s life.”

Oh, OK…*twitch* How nice for him…

Two women this time, by the way.

 

You’re not even a good fragrance of douche.

A few months ago I posted about a man from a neighboring office in my building. I pass him in the hall sometimes and we exchange workplace pleasantries. That day, though, he asked if I’d been dieting, because I looked “really good” and “like I’d lost weight.”

I’ve seen him a few times since, and we were back to, “Good morning, how are you?”

But I just saw him again and he said, “That’s a REALLY nice dress, it looks great on you!” And elevator-eyed me.

Dude, did you skip an HR seminar or something? The last time anyone looked at me like that at work, he and I were screwing around in office closets.

I feel like a hypocrite, too, because I wouldn’t have minded the compliment on my dress coming from a man I was attracted to, or even a man I knew. The phrasing of his weight loss/diet comment was unacceptable from anyone, though — was I previously too much of a heifer to look good?

*sigh* I need another shower.

“Well, your Ken? Can kiss my Barbie.”

Email to a friend:

“I’m about to talk to a guy named Ken on OkCupid. I know one super-rad Ken (your husband), and one super-douche Ken. So I’m going into this with mixed expectations.

“I guess there was also Ken from Barbie and Ken, but he always struck me as kind of a tool who was trying to hold Barbie back. Plus he had no penis, which sort of defeats…I’d say 33% of the purpose of me dating in the first place.

“Actually, he also had no tongue, and probably gave really shitty hugs with those unbending arms. And couldn’t have made any sexy-man-noises when I did something pleasant to the blank canvas where his dick should be. And overall he seemed fairly disagreeable to be pressed against…

“Wait, what was my point?

“OH. Right. KEN.I hope this Ken is not a Ken of the genus Superdouchus. I don’t need him to be a husband, just not a super-douche.

“P.S. I feel like Ken Burns maybe makes up for Barbie’s Ken. So perhaps balance in the Ken Universe is restored.”

I scream, you scream, we all scream, “You’re an asshole!”

*sigh* Just…just… UGH. Go fuck yourself, seriously. Hard. With one of the scarier, more invasive dildos.

I don’t give a single kitten’s dick who you’re voting for — no one would have asked a man that question. No one.

Hmm… OK, wait, MAYBE someone would’ve asked Chris Christie. And whoever did would still be a total fucking asshole. But I’d wager they wouldn’t, because Christie probably could and would slap the Massengill outta ya for that kinda bullshit.

A friend of mine had a better reaction: “If you watch closely, there’s a split second where she turns and looks at someone who clearly GETS IT and her face just says, ‘FUCK THESE ASSHOLES. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY.’ At least, that’s what *I* saw. Then she visibly squared herself to take on the bullshit sexism of the world and had another bite of her fucking sundae.”  

The 40-Year-Old Fadeaway

I just realized turning down a second date (Elbows Guy asked) is completely outside my skill set. Apparently even with someone I don’t think likes me very much, what with my hideous dry elbow skin and my terrible grammar and my relationship projection issues. Wait, why DOES he want a second date? I must be an amazing kisser. [/ego trip]

Have I REALLY never done this before? If I have, it’s been about 13 years. And why do I care about being polite?

I’m trying not to be a big, fat coward who does The Fadeaway, but it’s hard to argue its lifelong proven efficacy. And I don’t want to bitch out and say I met someone else. Even if it would make it easier, it’s not true.

“I’m going to pass on a second outing. I had a nice time until I realized I don’t like you. And you don’t like ME apart from my shortness, the fondling, and your superiority. I don’t want to waste our time or my makeup, and I certainly don’t want to get your douche all over me, you Summer Rain motherfucker…”