The Landmark Case of Penis v. Doughnut

Texting with a friend in California:

Friend: “The guy who owns the doughnut shop by my house looks a bit like Shaun T.”
Me: “Right, then. So I’ll hop a plane out there first thing tomorrow?”
Friend: “He sells Fruity Pebbles doughnut, too.”
Me: “What?! SHIT. I need that in my face. (I’ll leave it up to you whether I’m referring to the man or the doughnut. I haven’t quite decided myself.)”
Friend: “Both?”
Me: “I think it’d have to be, yeah. Man first, though — I’m gluttonous, not stupid.”
Friend: “You could try the infamous Cosmo suggestion of a doughnut on a penis.”
Me: “I was thinking that, but didn’t want to be weird.”

I’m all about supporting small, local businesses any way I can, you guys.

“With this doughnut, I thee wed.”

I just got to tell this story during a conversation at work…

A LONG time ago, before Krispy Kreme was everywhere up and down the East Coast, they opened a location in my ex’s hometown.

At the time, I still lived with my parents (“which I admit is both bogus and sad”), and if I’m being totally honest, my mom was kind of a dick. She needed to be medicated but wasn’t, so… dick.

But I swear, my ex brought that woman a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts the first time he came to meet them, and if doughnuts were dowry, I’d still be married to him today. You’d have thought he brought her a million dollars, with all the praise she heaped on him. To this day I’m convinced she likes him better than she likes me.

I think that should be a thing — doughnut dowry. Update the dowry system, man. It’s 2015 — what the hell are my parents gonna do with two oxen and a goose? At least they’ll USE doughnuts.

This guy invented the Department of “Are You Fucking Serious?”

Just as a matter of policy, if your first OKCupid message to me says simply, “Hello sticky buns,” you will never be the reason my buns are sticky.

Also? No punctuation. I think I’m actually more offended by that, but I guess it’s all part of The Complete Goddamn Pig starter set. (Gold chains and mommy issues sold separately.)

Wait… Unless he HAS actual sticky buns? Maybe he meant, “Hello. Sticky buns?” like as an offering. You’d be surprised how many things I can overlook when plied with baked goods. That glaze moistens more than just doughnuts.