“With this doughnut, I thee wed.”

I just got to tell this story during a conversation at work…

A LONG time ago, before Krispy Kreme was everywhere up and down the East Coast, they opened a location in my ex’s hometown.

At the time, I still lived with my parents (“which I admit is both bogus and sad”), and if I’m being totally honest, my mom was kind of a dick. She needed to be medicated but wasn’t, so… dick.

But I swear, my ex brought that woman a dozen Krispy Kreme doughnuts the first time he came to meet them, and if doughnuts were dowry, I’d still be married to him today. You’d have thought he brought her a million dollars, with all the praise she heaped on him. To this day I’m convinced she likes him better than she likes me.

I think that should be a thing — doughnut dowry. Update the dowry system, man. It’s 2015 — what the hell are my parents gonna do with two oxen and a goose? At least they’ll USE doughnuts.