This sounds like a job for Captain Subtext!

Seen in a man’s OkCupid profile:

First, “I love a girl that likes to dress up and wear heels. And is open minded.”

Later, “Must wear heels.”

So let me see if I’m reading between these lines accurately: You’re looking for a woman who’ll leave her heels on while y’all have rough sex? Maybe she’ll also leave on her nice dress, which she deliberately wore without panties so you’d spend the whole date imagining how easily you could just bend her over the nearest surface and go to town on her?

*shrug* Aight. I’m down.

#NoPants for the win.

dress 2.00.39 PM.jpeg

One of the many things I love about being a woman: I’m at work, wearing a dress similar to this one.

So basically I’m, like, six strategic seams away from wearing lingerie or a long tank top in public, and everyone’s totally fine with it.

Dressing for (Begrudging, Sexless) Success

Two friends took me shopping the other day because I am SHIT at dressing myself, and they advised me to (ie, made me) try on this dress.

“I look like I’m wearing an Amish person’s pillowcase!”
“You look amazing, shut up. You’re buying this dress, deal with it.”

I wore it to work today and have been complimented multiple times — all by women. Even if logic says it’s POSSIBLE every straight dude in this building wants to bend me over their desk and plant their dicks under the dress like you’d plant a flag on a newly discovered planet, but can’t say so because it’s a workplace, I maintain that it’s because I look square and sexless.

But it’s basically a giant t-shirt, so whatever. It’s better than wearing pants. And I definitely have…let’s say “a lot more invested in the dress” than the model.

loft

In which I’m pretty sure I’m happier than a model.

I bought this dress to wear to a concert, and I only just noticed the look on the model’s face: “Ohhhh, I’m a model, my life is so hard. I am thin and pretty and fabulous so I have bitchface all the time…” 

Dude. I’m not telling you to smile or anything, but… goddamn, maybe look LESS over your life in this garment? Who let this photo be THE one?

(I will look happier wearing it, because Anna Nalick shall be before me, gracing me with all her splendor.)

Also, it’s Vera Wang (for Kohl’s), so… Wang. Tee hee. (Not gonna lie, that influenced my purchase a teeeeeny bit.)

Miranda Lambert is my new BFF

a) This is basically how I imagine myself looking and sounding when I sing this song in my car. (Delusions of WHAT, now?)

b) I am going to need that dress, like, IMMEDIATELY. Damn, girl — HIPS. Let’s be BFFs and share clothes. I would wear the similar hell out of that.

c) Now that they’re divorcing, can I also bang Blake Shelton?

“I never could get the hang of Thursdays.”

Whatever, Thursday, you’re not defeating me. Wanna know why?

1. My company closes early today and — here’s the kicker — we might actually GET out early, which is just unheard of.

2. I don’t have to set an alarm clock, wear makeup, OR WEAR PANTS tomorrow if I don’t want to

3. This dress I have on? I bought it specifically because I tried it on and my ass looked amazing, like someone had replaced my standard sad pancake butt with two delightful, fluffy croissants.

So blow me, Thursday. You’re just Friday’s little bitch-sister. No one is ever happy it’s Thursday. They’re happy it’s “almost Friday.” Yeah, I said it. Why don’t you quit trifling with me and go reevaluate your own life?

#LastDressEver

For the most part, I don’t bother with any of that Spanx bullshit — I just make people deal with my fat. But this is delightful, and that IS a bomb-ass Princess-grade dress.

(For the record, I would wear the SPECIALEST of undergarments for Stephen Colbert once he takes over. And then I would just sit there in my fancy Underoos while he read to me from Tolkien novels, because his wife is adorable and I couldn’t/wouldn’t homewreck that.)