My brain is broken.

Yesterday my friends told me they ran into Guy I Dated For a Minute, and now for some reason it’s all I can think about.

I THINK it’s partly because my doctors are screwing with the drugs I take, so I hadn’t been in the greatest mental place, anyway, but it’s sort of spiraled into a fun rehash of the “not enoughs” — pretty, smart, cool, good in bed… All the things you think you can suck at, I’ve been telling myself I suck at. Like… this dude doesn’t even want to be FRIENDS with me. What the fuck is that? Am I THAT boring? I even offered him friends with benefits and…still no? So I’m not good enough in bed to fuck a third time?

And by the way? The sex was…serviceable. It was good, but not great. It got the job done. And the dude’s nice and all, but I think I mostly saw friendship there. I have no idea why this is bothering me so much NOW. We’ve been not dating longer than we WERE dating, and it HADN’T been bothering me before. I think I’m finally getting that we’re not going to even be friends, and so I just feel gross and used and stupid. Again. (I teared up while writing that, so it’s possible I nailed it.)

The “stupid” is big because I’m attracted to people smarter than I am, in relationships and friendships, and it goddamn blows to not even be friends-worthy.

*shaking head*

UGHHHHHH. Bitch, stop being a bitch, bitch!

(Here’s hoping putting this in writing is therapeutic, because my actual therapist is on vacation this week.)

Late-night Feels Post

I’ve been meaning to get this out for a while, so here goes…

I’d really enjoy some indication that, at some point, I will stop genuinely wondering what I’m even doing trying to live my life apart from my ex.

I know I’ll LIVE; it’s not that dramatic. But some days it just doesn’t make sense. My brain will just stop and think, “Wait, I did WHAT? Well, that’s just ridiculous. Go home. Go home right now.”

It’s been 2 years. Can that stop? I’d really like to stop feeling like he’s just on a trip or working odd hours, or like I’m just in some alternate universe where I can sleep with other people if I want to.

At least there are also days I’m able to see the logic and not just the emotion, when the prospect of “someone else” doesn’t seem completely absurd. I have zero interest, since I’m emotionally fucked six ways to Sunday, but maybe eventually. And it’s not like he’s not in my life. He’s just not in my home…which makes it hard to even say “home” and have that mean anything.

Ugghhhh, goddammit…

*shaking head*


My brain takes the fast lane to the Danger Zone

This morning on my way to work, I was letting my mind wander to the Bad Place, wherein I dwell on how thoroughly and painfully I’ve misjudged a given situation.

And then “Danger Zone” came on the radio. Ha ha ha — well played, Universe. I’ll refocus.