“Just writing to remind you you’re a fat-ass. Carry on!

This was in my mail when I got home, as if Cigna knew I’d ordered a big fuck-off pizza on the way.

In a related story, Cigna can eat a dick, which I hear are low in cholesterol.

Followup: If you ever wondered, this is what happens when you tweet publicly that “Cigna can eat a dick.”

In which one technology judges another. Also, there are pancakes. 

I’m impressed with my suddenly seemingly stronger constitution, which did allow me to cry about my hurt feelings every chance I got for 36 hours, but then suddenly it was like, “Hey, you know what? Fuck you, Person Who Hurt Me,” and then there were pancakes and a new vibrator and everything was kind of OK again.

P.S. Oh, eat a dick, iPhone. You know good goddamn well what I meant, you judgey whore.

Eat a dick, Monday

Sometimes when I have a terrible weekend, I can take a lovely, fuck-the-environment-long hot shower on Monday morning and leave it behind.

Then sometimes I try to leave for work and find out my car is dead.

And that’s fun, too. Like an extended dance fiesta shitty weekend remix.

P.S. Aaand of course the tow truck dude is incredulous that I “don’t have a guy” who can drive me to work while it’s being fixed. Thanks, man, ‘ppreciate that.

Eat a dick, dude. But make sure you dip it in this first.

mandipA friend sent this to me, and I’m sharing it here as a public service for all y’all concerned your condiments aren’t masculine enough.

Problem solved, people: Manly. Sausage. Meat. “STUFFED FULL OF MEAT,” even. (“Engorged” with meat. “Swollen. Turgid.” “Tumescent?”)

Hell, just dip your dick directly into it.

That said? That shit sounds DELICIOUS. Too bad I can’t eat it — curse my troublesome vagina.

Also, blow me, sour cream is my spirit animal. But again, vagina. Woe. I’m just not MANLY enough to hang with this new concocktion, so I’m relegated to bitch-baby sour cream.

Bitch Perfect

OK, logically — sciencely — I know menstruating has probably never killed anyone. 

But today it took two kinds of painkillers, three cups of coffee, the Pitch Perfect soundtrack, and a tablespoon of peanut butter eaten directly from the spoon to reassure me I won’t be Patient Zero. 

Eat a dick, Nature. 

From the Department of Unintended Sexist Irony

Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE this video: “I Like a Girl Who Reads Is the Anthem Every Bookworm Needs to Hear.” An adorable British chap waxing poetic about his love of literate women? Adorbs.


Fuck you, Huffington Post, for introducing it with some BULLSHIT about how shameful it is that our culture so often sexualizes and objectifies women, and then slapping together such a ludicrous headline. I “need to hear” that men like a girl who reads?

Look, I’m not even gon’ front — it fucking well BETTER be hot that I read. He should read, too, because I’m not abiding illiterate dick. But I don’t “need to hear” that men find it sexy. If he doesn’t find it sexy, he can step off, and that’s his loss, not mine.

Eat a dick, HuffPo. Men find that hot, too.