I feel as though the Asshole Ratio is pretty even here.

I understand this goes against my general “do unto others” philosophy — I would NOT want this done to me. I feel bad about it, it’s a dick move, and makes me a GIANT asshole.

We all on board? Excellent, ’cause I’m posting this screenshot of an OkCupid message, anyway. There’s too much majesty in it to be confined by a mere retelling. You must behold the glory in its entirety.

Identifying information has been deleted/changed to protect the overly cheerful at 8:goddamn-13 in the morning.

Damn, that’s a lot of emojis when you’re 52. (Or any age, really. But 52 for sure.)

P.S. My profile mentions Carlin’s seven dirty words, but just generally, gentlemen — pro tip? Never lead with farts. I’m still a lady, fuckface.


The “P” in “PMS” stands for “pugilistic”

Apparently I’m so much of a flirt that men think it’s my default setting?

I’ve been texting with an OkCupid guy for a couple weeks. Today’s conversation began with him saying he hadn’t texted yesterday because his work life had been turned upside down, and then he found out his friend had been diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic.

I told him I was sorry, that sucked, and I hoped the weekend treated him better. He asked how my week was going, and I said, “Pretty good, no complaints,” because that is the answer to that question.

Then he asked if I was “still being a proper lady,” a joke I’ve been making about trying not to flirt too much before we actually meet.

Uh… Sorry, my bad. Didn’t know “paranoid schizophrenic” was supposed to affect my panty places. Should I have said, “Bummer. So, hey, how’s your dick doing?”

I told him it seemed odd to respond with smut, and he seemed pissy and said, “I was just explaining why my attentions had been elsewhere. But the turbulence has cleared and I’m back to blue skies now.”

OK. Well, sorry again. I didn’t notice the sun shining out of your ass, and didn’t know I was obligated to taste your rainbow whenever you feel like flirting.

I started composing a response, but everything I typed just sounded cunty. I put the phone down so I could think before I spoke.

My level of irritation caused me to go do the math on my menstrual cycle, because this bitchface felt prescient. And yep, should be any day now.

When I hadn’t answered an hour later, he followed up with, “Did I offend?” Yes. Yes, you did, but I don’t know if it makes sense that you did, or if I’m projecting issues from a previous “relationshit.” I need a minute. Plus, hi, there’s this new thing called work? I waited a day, you can’t wait an hour? No. That’s not how this is gonna go. <– Oof. Yeah, now that I write that, it’s related to past events, for sure. Doesn’t mean I shouldn’t be offended, but I should take it into account.

When I told him I was, “Just confused, and also working,” he said, “You’re supposed to stop working when I text you. I thought you knew that. πŸ˜› Sorry if I confused you, though I’m not sure how. I hate text, you can’t convey tone well.” Hey, you know what didn’t just help your case, even with that bullshit “:P” after it…? (<– And that’s different baggage.)

He asked if he should stop texting me, and I said, “I might not respond right away, but you’re welcome to if you want.” He said he was afraid to, that the conversation was “colder than the air outside,” and that he was going to “retreat” and I could text him whenever I was free and felt like it. Again, the fuck? And again, Bitchface McMenses.

Also? I give ZERO fucks if you don’t text for 24 hours. We haven’t even met. You’re under no obligation to communicate with me every day, nor to explain yourself when you don’t.

I’ll stop this saga now. I think I just need to get some sleep. And maybe take my Midol before I come to class.

Keep on creepin’ on.

Series of messages from a guy via OKCupid…

Saturday night:
10:31 pm: “Hello invisible lady. How is it going tonight?” (“Invisible lady” because I don’t have a photo.)
10:32 pm: “[Town I live in] isn’t too far!”
10:34 pm: “Can I hear a dirty joke from you tonight? B-)”
10:51 pm: “Could we get to know each other?”

Yesterday morning:
11:18 am: “Good morning… Do I hear back from you?”

Last night before bed:
12:36 am: “Hi there… Not sleepy tonight?​”
12:46 am: “Are you around?​”

Congratulations on being the impetus for me learning how to block people on OkCupid.

I realize English is probably not his first language. Stalking transcends those barriers.

By the way, I didn’t upload a photo because I’m sort of just browsing, not seriously looking, and I didn’t want creepy bastards sending me messages like I had on Match.com. But when you don’t have a photo, apparently the CREEPIEST bastards send you messages. I’ve gotten several, none worth replying to. But maybe dudes think I must have fairly screwed-up self-esteem to not even rustle up ONE photo, so maybe I’ll just fuck a stalker if he tries?

Also, this guy has only one photo, and it’s of him wearing a surgical mask in an operating room with about five other people, also in surgical masks. You might think “Ooh, doctor!,” but I’ve seen enough Lifetime movies to know that if I interact with this guy, I’m gonna wake up in a stranger’s bathtub with amnesia and one less kidney.

P.S. If you wondered, “B-)” is a cool-guy smiley with sunglasses, which auto-formats in some venues, but not in the OKC email system, so you just look like an asshole. And that’s why you shouldn’t communicate with emojis.

PSA: Enough with Emoticons, Already

People? This…?

πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ˜‰ πŸ˜›

…is not a response. To anything. It’s not even a response to, “Draw me four emoticons.” (The correct response to THAT is, “Why the shit would you want me to do that?”)

Use your words. We’re adults.