Wow. How are you still single? OH, WAIT…

A series of OkCupid messages from a man, ostensibly introducing himself…

1:00 p.m.: “Hello”
1:02 p.m.: “My profile is empty cuz I just signed on today.. and I rather talk and get to know better thru convo like normal people do… Not just read a profile that I can write anything to make more people pay attention … But rather be honest and talk to someone like people do.. not robots”
1:41 p.m.: “Guess I’m just too pretty…”

Um…or maybe I have a job. Maybe I’m carefully crafting a clever yet sexy response to your irresistible approach. Maybe that fifth ellipsis turned me on so much that I had to go tend to this situation in my panties. OR maybe just generally I have more important things to do with 40 minutes.

Do you feel as entitled to everything as you do to a reply? If we end up dating and I don’t text you back within 40 minutes, are you going to keep texting until I do?

And has being a passive-aggressive bitch-baby ever worked? Has a woman ever said, “OMG, ha ha, ‘too pretty,’ so funny, I MUST suck your cock this instant”?

How are you still single, bro? Lemme jump right on that.