Gap in Reasoning

Email to friends: 

“I feel bad judging another woman, but this is one of the rare moments in life when I feel like a piece of clothing would look better on me than it does on the model. C’mon, Gap, that dress needs some breasts. You’re calling it the FIT & Flare, not the Sag & Flare.”

And seriously, no hatred intended. That woman can wear 8 million things I’d never dream of wearing. This observation comes from a place of, like, 75% mad jealousy, and only 25% “Goddamn, my breasts are fantastic.”

Well… At least I don’t have balls. 

I like being a woman. We’re pretty great. Go team and all. But I envy a few things about men.

First, obviously, the penis is brilliant. I wish I always had access to one. I would name him George and hug him and pet him and squeeze him (gently).

A second, semi-related envy: I’m pretty sure men don’t often have to wonder, “Is this the regularly scheduled bleeding from my genitals? Or is it one of those times it’s just for funsies, or because I’m dehydrated or played too rough during sex?”

Then again… If a man’s genitals are bleeding, that’s probably really bad. For me it’ll probably just sort itself out.

It reminds me of a Ron White bit: “I’m not making light of women’s periods. I would never do that. That’s serious stuff. If that happened to me one time, I’d be in the hospital. It wouldn’t be any of this nonchalant, ‘Oh, I’m spotting.’ FUCK THAT. I’d be running down the road like my hair was on fire, screaming, ‘My balls are bleeding, my balls are bleeding!’”

Speaking of which, balls are pretty ridiculous. I’m glad I don’t have those.