Patience is a virtue, but a finite one.

One day my filter will fail and I will not be able stop myself from asking another full-grown adult, likely a coworker, “How the FUCK do you not fall down more often?”

I got your package right here!

Ahem, so… I have most packages delivered to my office, and my coworker just handed me this one.

It’s a candle. But that’s…REALLY not what it felt like…

What the fucking fuck, man?

I know I’m a half-ass “lady” at best, but…

A man in my office, who’s old enough to be my father, was just making small talk with me, and he said, “I have jury duty next week. What a pain in the ass, I have to take the fuckin’ train in…”WHOA. Watch your fucking mouth, motherfucker! This is a fucking place of business, and I am a fucking LADY!

Do you, like, smell the hoodrat on me? Is there something about my face that makes you think this is acceptable? It’s not even that I’m a woman — it’s just bad manners, and you KNOW you have bad manners if I’M the one pointing it out. But also… yes, as long as wage gaps and thigh gaps are things I’m just expected to deal with, I do expect a base level of civility and etiquette until you get the all-clear that I’m cool with that kind of rapport, especially at work, especially when you’re a grown-ass man, shitdick.

(I had a similar reaction when a 21-year-old female assistant used “fuck” during our second at-work conversation. BITCH, I am old enough to be your mother, and I will knock the “fuck” right out of your FACE.)

Miss Manners was never really clear on this…

I’m invited to a wedding in a few months, and I was invited with a guest.

It’s probably bad etiquette to bring a girlfriend who’ll dress me in something slutty, be my wingman, and drive me home once I get wasted enough to get naked with a groomsman in a broom closet… right?

Fine, FINE. 

I’ll go to the wedding alone, get drunk, and go home with the groomsman. #drinkresponsibly

Food shame etiquette.

Friend: “I was out to dinner with a coworker and she took over 20 minutes to pick her meal, with lots of “I’ve been so bad this week!” thrown in for good measure. I mean, sure, I worry about what people are going to think what I order, but I internalize that shit. Inner monologue, bitch.”

Me: “Exactly. I keep my neuroses to myself and let them slowly destroy me. Um, it’s called manners?”

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Another reason to hate Facebook and people.

People. If you’re on someone’s Facebook page and “like” a photo they posted months ago? One logical conclusion is that you’re going through all their shit like a creeper.

Please stalk responsibly. Kthxbye.