I guess Autocorrect got a thesaurus feature…

What I was trying to text to a friend: “I would have to punch you in the nuts.”

How Autocorrect tried to help when I typed too fast: “I would have to punch you in the bird.”

Then: “I would have to punch you in the bits.”

I mean… both of those DO work, even if “bird” is one I’ve only ever heard my grandfather use. Way to have my back, Autocorrect.

It’s not TECHNICALLY masturbation…

It’s freezing in my office today, and my hands are particularly cold. So I’ve been sitting with my left hand between my thighs while my right hand works the mouse (not a euphemism).

But I AM also bopping along to shitty pop music. With my hand between my legs.

I am a professional.

Also, though…I’m not gonna lie, it doesn’t feel BAD. But it’s really just to warm my hands.


Like 80%.

Well. Now I have to write an erotic novel.

Oh, for fuck’s sake, are you serious?

Sasha Grey Book Features Erotic Sex Scenes: Read An Excerpt From The Juliette Society

Choice quote: “I turn on my side to accommodate him, bending the top leg at the knee, like a dancer doing the Can-Can, to give him a clear view of the runway as his craft comes into land.”

The runway? His CRAFT? Like what, a Boning 747? *headdesk* I gotta start writing porn.

P.S. Calling your vagina “my sex” may be the worst euphemism ever. I’d be happier with “pussy.” “Axe wound.” “Spirit cave.” Whatever. I’m aware this is purely my own hangup, but every time I see “my sex,” my blood is forced back to my brain so I can think, “I’m sorry, your WHAT now? You mean your vagina? OK, excellent, carry on.” I can’t get ladywood from your story if you insist on calling it “my sex.”