Do you want itchy bits? Because that’s how you get itchy bits!

I disagree. Go ahead and do it. You deserve to be itchy.

Doctors Are Warning Against Using Lush’s Valentine’s Day Bath Bombs as Sex Toys

Morning sickness

Sometimes you only need to read half of the headline before you know you’re going to vomit if you read the rest.

That’d be the WORST gingerbread cookie…

In a list of his favorite comedians, a man on Match writes, “Louis CK (don’t care).”

Oh, OK, cool, thanks for saving me time thinking you might NOT be garbage.

My profile says something like, “I used to love Louis CK but now I can only see him as a creepy ginger jerking off.”

The pleasure of good grammar

Ahem… *you’re*

(Aaand this is why no one will spank me.)

Why…ARE you…?

“Hey, Smug, how’s online dating going?”SO glad you asked, gentle reader!

Prioritize, people.

Eeewwww… Look, I can either focus on dinner OR vaguely threatening hairless douche-bros, but not both.

Feed me OR fuck me. My ADD can’t handle the multitask.

P.S. Fuck me first, so I don’t have to worry about birth control for food babies in addition to regular ones.

🍆🍆🍆

I’m glad you like your women sick, ’cause I just threw up a little…

Woke up to this first OkCupid message, so if you need me, I’ll be taking 47 boiling hot showers trying to get the douche off me.

And then, apparently, joining ALLLLLL the gyms.

Not tonight, Pervy McGee.

First OkCupid message:

I actually don’t think a man ever has reacted my voice. I’m sure they’ve reacted to things I’ve said, but that’s because I’m a wanton harlot, not because of my voice.

Again, though, thanks for the heads up about your mini-fetish. As someone who is also aurally fixated, I respect it. But you’re creepy about it, and you used emojis, and…no.

This feels like I’m being catfished by some pervy Ursula.

You’re not even a good fragrance of douche.

A few months ago I posted about a man from a neighboring office in my building. I pass him in the hall sometimes and we exchange workplace pleasantries. That day, though, he asked if I’d been dieting, because I looked “really good” and “like I’d lost weight.”

I’ve seen him a few times since, and we were back to, “Good morning, how are you?”

But I just saw him again and he said, “That’s a REALLY nice dress, it looks great on you!” And elevator-eyed me.

Dude, did you skip an HR seminar or something? The last time anyone looked at me like that at work, he and I were screwing around in office closets.

I feel like a hypocrite, too, because I wouldn’t have minded the compliment on my dress coming from a man I was attracted to, or even a man I knew. The phrasing of his weight loss/diet comment was unacceptable from anyone, though — was I previously too much of a heifer to look good?

*sigh* I need another shower.