Papa, don’t preach. (No, really. Stop.)

What’s great about having a dysfunctional family is that, between Dad, Stepdad, and Grandpa, this whole weekend was Father’s Day. So I’ve just been going house to house trick-or-treating for daddy issues.

“Yes, I should absolutely stay at my job forever and never pursue anything different, because I have ‘stability’ and I’m ‘not getting any younger.'”

“Nope, not dating anyone. No, not a lesbian, either, but thanks for letting me know that would be OK. I really, REALLY like dick, though.”

“Mm hmm, yeah — Whole Foods IS too expensive. I don’t know why I go there, either. I COULD get the same things at Walmart.”

“Yes, I’m sure he IS going to make America great again…”

Too much family. Not enough alcohol.