I have achieved Peak Maturity.

I should’ve moved faster with the two OkCupid guys I’ve been messaging with, so when Dude I’d Been Dating got back from vacation and texted to see if I can hang out this weekend, my response could’ve been, “Oh! You’re still here? Sorry, no, I have two dates this weekend.”

Kidding. Mostly. It’ll be good to have that talk. Fine. FINE!

I also think we should have sex one more time BEFORE we talk, because I have a vivid masturbation fantasy that takes place on his couch and I’d like to see how that pans out in reality, but we’ll see what happens.

Time does NOT heal all axe wounds

I’m a big believer in time healing all wounds when it comes to relationshits.

But no one mentions how time can also phantom-cockblock you when you discover too late in the proceedings that one of your favorite go-to, Old Faithful masturbation fantasies — the ones you rely on to get you there repeatedly and thoroughly when you can’t quite close on your own — doesn’t…fucking…WORK anymore. (This one involved That Guy, but SHUT UP, my clitoris was always happy!)

Personal growth is bullshit. The bulliest shit there is. (Joking. I just wish I could’ve somehow gotten the orgasm BEFORE the epiphany.)

BRB, changing my OkCupid profile to say my vagina is now accepting Tribute volunteers. #StuntedSingleton