I should’ve moved faster with the two OkCupid guys I’ve been messaging with, so when Dude I’d Been Dating got back from vacation and texted to see if I can hang out this weekend, my response could’ve been, “Oh! You’re still here? Sorry, no, I have two dates this weekend.”
Kidding. Mostly. It’ll be good to have that talk. Fine. FINE!
I also think we should have sex one more time BEFORE we talk, because I have a vivid masturbation fantasy that takes place on his couch and I’d like to see how that pans out in reality, but we’ll see what happens.
I’m a big believer in time healing all wounds when it comes to relationshits.
But no one mentions how time can also phantom-cockblock you when you discover too late in the proceedings that one of your favorite go-to, Old Faithful masturbation fantasies — the ones you rely on to get you there repeatedly and thoroughly when you can’t quite close on your own — doesn’t…fucking…WORK anymore. (This one involved That Guy, but SHUT UP, my clitoris was always happy!)
Personal growth is bullshit. The bulliest shit there is. (Joking. I just wish I could’ve somehow gotten the orgasm BEFORE the epiphany.)
BRB, changing my OkCupid profile to say my vagina is now accepting Tribute volunteers. #StuntedSingleton