Today I learned that my mother weighs herself every day, writes it down, and SAVES IT. I told her that sounds a little unhealthy, and she said, “It’s fine, it’s just that’s one of the only things I can control.”
NOT HELPING YOUR CASE, MA!
They weighed me at the doctor yesterday and it’s more than I’ve ever weighed, by, like, a LOT, so I made the mistake of telling her I need to lose some weight.
“Maybe you and I can do a contest and see who can lose the most weight!”
“Nope. Nooope. Hard pass.”
“Why? I thought that’d be motivation!”
“I am not contributing in any way to you doing that.”
You guys… HOW am I not in an institution?!
BTW, I feel like it’s no coincidence that I’ve gained 25 lbs since January. But fuck THAT — my ass will be great again.
Super cute OkCupid guy and I have tons in common, but he exercises every day and likes “fit” women.
OK, listen — I am not fit. But I’m pretty sure you could fuck fitness into me. We should try. What if I’m Patient Zero for innovative new science? We could be pioneers!
Tell ya what: Go down on me for 10 minutes today, I’ll go for a run tomorrow. Solid exchange, no? Plus, bonus, the more we repeat this process, the thinner my thighs get, the easier you fit between them. BOOM, everybody wins.
And hey, if it doesn’t work, feel free to ditch my fat ass after a month. I’ll have intimacy anxiety by then, anyway.
BWAH HA HA…”During this whole fatty fatsy fatterino time people kept hitting on me, wanting to fuck me in my fat (but very tight!) pussy and, obviously, my asshole, which for me is a no-fly zone but I respect its power.”
This is part of why I don’t have a photo on this blog, or on the other (clean) one I write. I have neither time nor temperament to deal with shit like this.
First OkCupid message from a photo-less man who, based on his username, is named Bobby. (Yep, grown-ass man. 43. “Bobby.”)
“So a little about me. I had to take my pics down bc a former student (I’m a teacher) started messaging me on here and it freaked me out. I’m taller than you (6’3) in good shape (190lbs) have a shaved head and big blue eyes.”
That’s the whole message.
Um… OK… Is there something there I’m supposed to respond to? Besides your lack of face? ‘Cause you could have THREE big blue eyes. Your head could be shaved because you’re in the Klan. Maybe “good shape” means you can run a 7-minute mile but your body is covered in boils.
It’d be like if I said, “I don’t have photos, but I’m shorter than you (5 feet), about 160 lbs, with pink-streaked blonde hair and green eyes.”
See how that doesn’t paint the clearest picture? Maybe my weight is all back-fat. Maybe I have no eyebrows, and/or a big hairy mole shaped like Bosnia on my chin.
Photos, people. I showed you mine, you show me yours.