Me: “That’s hurtful, Amazon.”
Amazon: “I learned it by watching YOU!”
Super cute OkCupid guy and I have tons in common, but he exercises every day and likes “fit” women.
OK, listen — I am not fit. But I’m pretty sure you could fuck fitness into me. We should try. What if I’m Patient Zero for innovative new science? We could be pioneers!
Tell ya what: Go down on me for 10 minutes today, I’ll go for a run tomorrow. Solid exchange, no? Plus, bonus, the more we repeat this process, the thinner my thighs get, the easier you fit between them. BOOM, everybody wins.
And hey, if it doesn’t work, feel free to ditch my fat ass after a month. I’ll have intimacy anxiety by then, anyway.
BWAH HA HA…”During this whole fatty fatsy fatterino time people kept hitting on me, wanting to fuck me in my fat (but very tight!) pussy and, obviously, my asshole, which for me is a no-fly zone but I respect its power.”
This is part of why I don’t have a photo on this blog, or on the other (clean) one I write. I have neither time nor temperament to deal with shit like this.
Sara Benincasa via Medium.com:
Why Am I So Fat? A man wrote to me to ask why I gained weight. Here’s my response…
First OkCupid message from a photo-less man who, based on his username, is named Bobby. (Yep, grown-ass man. 43. “Bobby.”)
“So a little about me. I had to take my pics down bc a former student (I’m a teacher) started messaging me on here and it freaked me out. I’m taller than you (6’3) in good shape (190lbs) have a shaved head and big blue eyes.”
That’s the whole message.
Um… OK… Is there something there I’m supposed to respond to? Besides your lack of face? ‘Cause you could have THREE big blue eyes. Your head could be shaved because you’re in the Klan. Maybe “good shape” means you can run a 7-minute mile but your body is covered in boils.
It’d be like if I said, “I don’t have photos, but I’m shorter than you (5 feet), about 160 lbs, with pink-streaked blonde hair and green eyes.”
See how that doesn’t paint the clearest picture? Maybe my weight is all back-fat. Maybe I have no eyebrows, and/or a big hairy mole shaped like Bosnia on my chin.
Photos, people. I showed you mine, you show me yours.
A few months ago I posted about a man from a neighboring office in my building. I pass him in the hall sometimes and we exchange workplace pleasantries. That day, though, he asked if I’d been dieting, because I looked “really good” and “like I’d lost weight.”
I’ve seen him a few times since, and we were back to, “Good morning, how are you?”
But I just saw him again and he said, “That’s a REALLY nice dress, it looks great on you!” And elevator-eyed me.
Dude, did you skip an HR seminar or something? The last time anyone looked at me like that at work, he and I were screwing around in office closets.
I feel like a hypocrite, too, because I wouldn’t have minded the compliment on my dress coming from a man I was attracted to, or even a man I knew. The phrasing of his weight loss/diet comment was unacceptable from anyone, though — was I previously too much of a heifer to look good?
*sigh* I need another shower.