This DVD arrived in today’s mail, proving once again that sometimes Netflix just gets me.
“Oh, honey. We at Netflix know you’ve had a long, stupid workweek, and have a busy weekend ahead. We know you need to spend your scant free hours drinking irresponsibly, eating popcorn for dinner, and watching Gretchen Weiners find true love with the Lord’s guidance in a movie that looks like it was originally developed for Lifetime. No, wait — this has Hallmark Channel all over it. You go MST3K that shit, sweetie. You’ve earned it.”
I really hope she finds out how “fetch” Jesus is.
Or, as a friend said, “Maybe he makes her realize butt stuff doesn’t count.”
Screw it, you guys — I am also running for president. The main focus of my platform will be universal pie and vibrators. In fact, by the end of my first term, I’d like us to have pie-brators. I’m not exactly sure what that would entail, but that’s where your generous funding comes in. Together, we can make the merging of baked goods and sex toys a glorious (if sticky) wave of the future. And gentlemen, I didn’t forget you — check my website to read all about my Fleshlight Freedom Initiative, coming (heh) in 2017.
Other key priorities of my campaign:
Very low-dose Xanax in the drinking water. (I promise not to create Reavers.)
Once-monthly days off for when you just can’t even, and also for when the weather is too nice to go to work.
Cute bras and clothes available in all sizes.
Food delivery through your TV, like when the Golden Girls have cheesecake, you can say, “TV, fetch me cheesecake,” and it WILL (see also: The Making “Fetch” Happen Doctrine — we’re gonna do it!)
A constitutional amendment banning alarm clocks.
All establishments that serve coffee shall also deliver it.
Barnes and Noble stores all get converted to huge, constantly-restocked libraries where you can just take books as you choose and return them if/when you feel like it. (Again, you send me money, I’ll work out the logistics.)
Stephen Colbert is Secretary of Everything; Anna Kendrick will be my Ambassador of Stuff.
Neil deGrasse Tyson and Bill Nye are the new co-leaders of the EPA.
And Amy Poehler will be my VP. Obviously.
So vote for me, people. With liberty, and punch and pie for all.
Except for Donald Trump and Kanye West. No punch and pie for you. No.
Blame hormones all you want, but you’re being a bitch, and you need to stop. Bitchy is not fixing that situation. Nothing is fixing that situation except letting it go. Stop trying to make “fetch” happen.